Once again I didn't write any thing new so I'm doing another Expressive Therapy fill in.
2009-02-18
What to do, what part of my life. I keep thinking I should do something about when I was twelve. At least the last half of twelve. It was January 7th, 1968 that my life began (in a manner of speaking I was 12 and a half ), I started smoking pot. It was at a party my mother was having and some of her friends had come up stairs looking for somewhere out of the way.
While smoking pot at twelve isn't really a good thing, it lead to my missing most of the sixth grade. It also lead me to be exposed to some incredible people and ideas. The anti-war (Vietnam) movement, eastern religions, the concept of non-violent revolution, formed a large part of who I am today.
All of my friends were at least five years older than I was. They were real friends we could sit and talk for hours about just about anything. Sometimes the ones who were in college would talk about what they were studying, and a couple of times tell me they got helpful feedback from me. Some of my friends even got me to go back to school for a bit, though way too late for me to graduate to the seventh grade.
There was a psychologist (the court had sent to a psych. hospital for thirty day observation) who had written that he would have been tempted to leave me with my friends except for the drugs.
Over all I learned more about life in those six months than I have in almost any year or two since. I had all of my emotions, people I liked and people who liked and wanted to spend time with me.
2009-04-30
Suppose that while you sleep tonight a miracle happens and all of your problems are completely solved. How would your life be different.
If all of my problems just disappeared as if they had never been I guess I would be your average person. This is something I can't imagine what it would be like. I don't even know if I would be the same person in any way, computers, mechanics, locksmithing, etc. Would my world be as spatially oriented without having gone through all the hypervigilant behavior/necessity.
If all of my problems were gone and I still remembered having had them, I think it would still take a while before I'd be able to live a "normal/healthy" life. Habit, if nothing else, would make it difficult to adjust. For instance, Would I still get pissed off (or how pissed off would I get) when people acted brainless (though you may never know it I'm not very tolerant of people who don't think), or inconsiderate to some extent being angry about this kind of thing is a "normal/healthy" reaction.
On the other hand it would really be strange if I were able to just shake my head and forget about it as if nothing had happened. In essence it would be like losing a part of myself that in a way I have become comfortable about, not with.
I know I'd be able to go back to school, or just go out an get a job and not worry about freaking out under pressure. I'd be able to deal with hurtful situations easier. I'm not entirely sure I would become much more social. I would have less/no social anxiety anymore, I would be more comfortable meeting new people, this would be nice. However, I think a certain amount of my solitude is part of my natural make-up.
2009-05-04
Where I am now
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One step in between
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Where I want to be
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Physical
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Not in bad shape though I would like to lose 40 lbs.
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Ride my bicycle.
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About 180 lbs.
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Social
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Become a little more social, other than ACA.
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Go out and do things, is the obvious answer. However, I really don't like going out, being around other people. This would require that I get over my whole intolerance thing, and straighten out my emotional life.
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Have a few people to hang out with from time to time.
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Intellectual
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I'm basically happy with the way things are.
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Emotional
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I have trouble knowing what my emotions are, and trouble dealing with them even if I do know what they are.
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Basically just try to stay with them as they come along, and asking for help figuring out how I should respond to/with them..
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I'm not sure what this would look like. All I know is it would be nice if I could stop being so freaked out by and/or freaking out people.
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Vocational
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I would like to learn more about programming.
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Go to School.
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Able to write software applications.
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Spiritual
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I'm basically happy with the way things are.
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2009-05-13
Mask Making / Authentic self
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Outside
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Inside
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- Perception others have of you. - The self you portray to others. |
- Perception you have of yourself. - What goes on inside? Thoughts, feelings you may hide from others. |
Basically I think most people, when they first meet me, see me as a person who is fairly intelligent and talented at art, computers, and a verity of mechanical trades. Easy going and friendly in most social setting.
After a while they often come to the decision that I'm strange. At first this is because of my belief systems (social, spiritual, etc) aren't main stream. Then they begin to see my emotional self isn't "quite right". Overall though most people seem to like me.
* * * * *
I try to present myself as who and what I am. I don't push the PTSD stuff, but I'm open about it. Once I feel comfortable being around someone I'll gladly talk about it.
While I'm not my diagnoses, my diagnoses is part of who I am. |
I try to see myself as what I am. Somehow I don't seem to see myself as having problems with my self-worth. I don't mean to say that I don't have any problems with self-worth/self-esteem, it's that I don't see them as such. I know when I get to that place where I'm beating myself up and such, it's the sickness. It's the sickness that was created in my brain because of the environment I grew up in. While I may have been the one who figured out and put in to place the strange coping mechanisms. I had no choice. It was either use what I had or truly go insane.
While I have certainly changed some things about myself over the years. I can't take any more credit for the need of the coping skills I've used than I can for my creation.
* * * * *
I often feel as if I have no idea of what's going on inside of me. Most of the time I can tell you, to some degree, what I'm thinking or feeling in the moment, but sometimes as little as five minutes later I'll have no idea of what my emotional state was.
So basically I'll tell anyone anything they can think of to ask about. However there are some thoughts, feelings, and/or actions I have done that will die with me and me alone. |
2009-05-20
Things you are in control of (and how it feels).
Physical pain - it makes life a lot easier to live with sometimes.
Allowing myself to feel my emotions, in a way - This is a two edged sword, on the one hand turning off my feelings can allow me to function in an emergency, on the other hand it becomes too easy to turn them off when I hurt.
My life style, and my beliefs - It's nice to know that I can live my life the way I want with out my past controlling how I live now. This is not to say that my past has not influenced my life style or my beliefs. Though most of the time I know what it's like to be treated badly, so I end up doing the opposite of how I was raised.
To some extent my habits and addictions - Such as I am now able to have a beer without having to have five or twelve more, like I used to. Smoking I have decided to keep this for the time being, but if the last time I quit is any indication I should be able to quit when I'm more stable. It helps with my anxiety and I use it like any other drug/medication.
To some extent my thought processes - I know that I can talk myself into feeling bad. Though I admit talking myself into feeling better is a lot more difficult. This is the one thing that can make me stop the spiraling when I remember to use it early enough.
Things you are not in control of (and how it feels).
The feeling of insanity I get when I start obsessing over feeling bad or external events I have no control of - This I would gladly let go of. It's the number one thing that will send me spiraling down.
My startle response - this can cause me to get depressed even if I feeling good.
Suicidal ideation - I don't know the causes or triggers sometimes, I feel as if these thoughts have a life of their own. I can, sometimes, stop them but only after the fact.
Hypervigilance - I wouldn't mind this one if I could turn it off sometimes.
Anxiety -
2009-06-25
Three things I like about myself
1 I like that I'm beginning to be able to catch myself when I start to fall off the edge into the depression pit.
For example during group. While people were talking about separating from family, I started to just wish Pat would die. Witch is guaranteed to knock me off the edge, and it did. However this time once I realized I was going into the kill myself place I did it different. I went to the store and got a bottle of tea and a apple-fritter. I'm don't really think my sugar was low, but it made me happier once I got into it.
2 I like that I'm a survivor.
I'm not saying I wanted to be one of course, but since I'm here I might as well try to deal with all of the crap that made me a survivor. Sometime in the late '80s or early '90s I had started to say that I was convicted to life. By doing this I set myself on the road to recovery (as the 12 step programs say). This work is so hard sometimes, I believe it takes a survivor to do it. Being a survivor allowed me to stay in my skin, during group, long enough to do things differently, rather than staying and falling further in to the dark.
3 I like that I'm smart, to me this includes intelligence, common sense, and wisdom (worldly knowledge).
Being smart gives me the ability to process and accept or deny things I hear that are suggested as being part, or not, of me. Which today meant processing things that I've heard and use it to bring me back from the crazy place. Two weeks ago I realized that most of the guilt/shame that I have comes from my childhood, comes from Pat.
2009-06-29
My sense of my emotional state is totally messed up right now, and I'm not sure if I can break it down.
The first thing that comes to mind is emptiness. However, as soon as I think of this I begin to feel depressed. Though in part I know that some of the depression is because it's impossible to have no emotions. So I feel bad because I can't figure out what I'm feeling. A kind of circular logic in a way. When I get into this state of emptiness and depression I then start to get anxious I want to run away and hide, and trying to write about it makes it that much harder to sit with.
I often feel this way in ET. It often feels like a lie if I push myself to do follow a given task. So I end up trying to do something that feels right (feels to be where I'm at). Following the given task in some way if possible.
Some times I wish I weren't a survivor. I don't mean this is the sense of not having gone through the trauma, but rather in the sense of not being able to keep myself going, keep myself alive. I can and will live through this feeling of emptiness, depression, and anxiety. I want to just break down and cry. To disappear into my books or my computer. To runaway and hide. To give up and die. I can't though.
I can't stop trying to go on. Sometimes this is only because I have given people my word. And in all honesty sometimes because I do believe that I can change my life despite what was done to me as a child. Though sometimes, even when I feel the hell I have to live with, sometimes I can still have hope of my own.
2009-07-08
For me perfect is feeling connected to the universe, to everything. This connection comes when it does. I'm not saying that I have absolutely no part in when it comes. I've never felt connected when I'm not free of quote unquote negative feelings, anger, depression and such. Most often I have been in the country or at the beach. Rarely when I'm with other people, not to be confused with around other people. Being around others becomes too distracting, unless they are also also just being. A strange thing about feeling connected is that it's not effected by recreational drugs. Meaning I have felt connected while doing a variety of different drugs and alcohol, and when not doing any of them.
The easiest way for me to describe it is:
One day, (in the mid '80s) I was riding a motorcycle out near Harpers Ferry and kind of all of a sudden I realized I was in a bliss like state. My body felt as if God had touched me and taken away all of my pains (there were quite a few of them). My senses were fully open I could feel, see, hear, taste and smell (this doesn't happen very often) everything going on around me. I was aware of little pebbles I road over. I became aware of a hawk that was circling at about 50 feet high to my left. I could smell and taste the air. It was almost a feeling of not being able to do anything wrong, but very different. Maybe more like there was no wrong. If I believed in god as a conscious entity I would say god had come to me and made my world perfect for a short time.
