Week 110 - 2015-11-29 Sun.

Why does the world always need to be in a state of war?

I know this is an over simplified essay.

War:

A state of armed conflict between different groups of people.

Group:

A number of people or things that are located or classed or considered as being together.

Wars are more often than not incited by one person.  However, they can not be fought by two people.

Arming others to fight wars you don't want to fight does not work.  You can not end war by feeding and or starting wars.

I believe the first cause of war is any form greed.  I don't believe coveting what others have is wrong.  As it can be the motivation to earn it for oneself.  Taking it without permission is wrong.  However, the worst form of greed, in my opinion, is having more than you can use and not sharing.  Why and how is it that the top 10% of the richest people in the world own close to 90% of all privately held riches.

I see religion as the second greatest cause of war.  Judaism, Christianity, and Islam share many of the same prophets and angels.  As well as many of the same beliefs.  Yet these three religions have been the cause of more wars in the past 1,500 than all of the other religions combined, ever.   A large number, if not most, of these wars between themselves.

Back in the late '60s at the age of 14 I wrote a paper not for school but much as I am now writing this one.  Then it was in protest of the Vietnam war.  Which I started protesting at the age of 12.  As I said then I now feel compelled to repeat now.  Why must we feed the war machine.

I'm not saying that ISIS should not be dealt with.  What they are doing is wrong.  However, the more we feed their ego's they more they will feel the need to tell the world who they are.  Unfortunately the way that they are doing this is by killing people who do not think the same way they do.  Killing the people who are different from them in any way.  Killing other Muslims.

ISIS is not really Islamic as they break the rules set by the Quran on a daily basis.  They are more a fascist state than anything else.  I read an article the other day (Confessions of an ISIS Spy) that plainly shows this to be true.  (Yes ? if this is a truthful story and I have no reason to doubt it is.) This man joined ISIS to make his life as a Syrian better than it otherwise was under ISIS rule.  His life is now forfeit and ISIS no longer considers him a Muslim, because he has seen the truth of how ISIS is truly run.

I would rather the world's governments would just quietly go over there and deal with ISIS.  Yes I know this means going to war but, why must we create all the hatred for the rest of the middle east.  All the hatred for the rest of the world.  Stop feeding these people's egos.  STOP condemning all of Islam for the actions of the few.

More and more I feel as if I'm different from most of the rest of the world.  I hate war.  I hate violence, of any kind.  Though if pushed far enough I know that even I will commit physical violence.  Because some part of me will pop and lash out against an antagonist.  However, I don't agree that punching a bully in the nose is the best way to deal with them.  I have often said there are two ways of dealing with the worlds problems.  1) The easy way.  Give some One a big gun and they can blow away all of the assholes.  Definitely not my first choice but very quick.  2) Teaching every One to live and let live.  If some group of people feel it is alright to have second class citizens and those who are the second class agree with this, so be it.  There are people who like to be hurt.  However, if someone in these groups of people want to leave their group let them.  I know this is over simplified but, do we really need to make it as complicated as it is now.  Do people, I mean all people, have to go to extremes.

Physical violence is not the only way to handles problems.  If there are people who must fight let them do so one on one.  Think of it kind of like Thunderdome "Two men enter one man leaves." with no champions.  However, unlike Thunderdome lets have courts so the little guy doesn't always get stepped on.

There is no country that is not guilty of crimes against humanity to some degree.  Whether it be out and out war.  Or just not taking care of their own people.

Lets not forget that the Pilgrims were refugees.  Let us also not forget that Corporal Kareem Rashad Sultan Khan a Muslim in the U.S. Army died Aug. 6Th 2007 fighting in Iraq.

Week 108 - 2015-11-11 Wed.

These are things I have started at various times and never finished.  Well today I finally finished them until the topics come back up.  Which they probably will.  Their all self contained so here they are.

Test 2015-11-10 Tue.

I watched a video titled "Understanding Trauma: How Stress and Trauma Cause Chronic Pain, Anxiety, Depression, & PTSD" the other day.

While this is a very good video it misses the freeze reaction.  While freeze is often a prelude to flight or fight.  (Especially for me.)  It is not always so.  (Even for me.)

Sometime I think it is the least understood of the three.  Flight, Fight, or Freeze.  Even though it is documented in nature, well beyond "the deer in the headlights".

WARNING:  This next line may be very triggering for some but, it is the essence of my point about beyond "the deer ...".  Sheep will freeze to the point of being eaten alive with out moving or making a sound.

What happens when I freeze is my entire body assumes an isometric exercise posture.  Every muscle is frozen straining trying to decide what to do.  While my mind is either paralyzed or running at such a hyper speed that it might as well be paralyzed.  I am fortunate in that I have taught myself to the unconscious level that my body knows what to do.  I become the totally impartial audience watching what is happening.  Sometimes wondering that I can do some of the things I do.  Especially when in a motorcycle accident.  I no longer ride motorcycles.

However, for those micro/milliseconds when I am in the frozen state I am in a state of terror.  I can feel my body changing, feel my cognitive abilities slowly shutting down.  Until the snap and my mind is free from the fear.  In sense I am lucky in that I can't remember the feeling of fear (I can only remember that it was there) most of the time.

2015-11-11 Wed.

Unfortunately this also means I can't remember the feeling of love and joy other than in the present either.  This doesn't necessarily mean I won't remember the feeling of having a great day last week/month.  However, it can mean that too.

Anyway back to Freeze.  Freeze needs to be understood better.  I have dealt with some psych professionals who have started to include it but, there are still too many who don't.  In a way it is the hardest of the 3 Fs to deal with.

While I don't often freeze I have frozen once or twice for a minute or so (it felt like 15 or 20 at the time) before I was able to break out of it.  In the sense of being of the animal kingdom I understand it.  It is a trait many animals use to very good advantage.  However, as a human, I think, it is more often than not of very little use.  This is not to say it is useless.  It's just not a safe place to be.  We need to have the ability to function at all times.  At least when I start doing I don't feel the terror anymore.

*       *       *       *       *

2014-11-25

This is a paragraph from the book I'm reading with a short introduction.

Lazar had just lost his best "friend" Jumo, the only man he really trusts, who died a few hours ago.  Ana is a the woman he loves and she loves him.  However, Ana is married to the Zar (king), so it is a hopeless situation punishable by death.  They, with three others, are on a mission to save Lazar's adopted land from his birth land where he is a banished first prince.

"Later that night he mourned Jumo deeply, and that only intensified his sorrows over Ana, over the touch that told him she was his, had always been. The hurt over his two favorite people blended and his grief that he could never be with either again intensified his sadness. He grieved again at the thought that they could never be together. He needed to be alone with his thoughts, to clear them. He must accept that Jumo was gone from his life and he must lay his desires for Ana to rest once and for all. Love equaled pain, and he had no more room in his heart for it. Loneliness could never get worse, a solitary life was quantifiable and once accepted, became routine, manageable, and even comfortable… familiar as a comfy old chair or a favorite shirt."

Lazar is in a place I have been in the past.  Sometimes for long stretches, even when I had other people in my life, as Lazar is.  I fear the comfortable the aspect of it.  Though when I'm there I don't know this, the fear doesn't exist because it's an emotion.

This however isn't the best time for this, so I'll add to it later.

2015-01-22 Thu.

In psychology there is a well known premise (falsehood) about "better the hell we know".  Trauma people (those I've met anyway) have a very good understanding of how this works.  The thought of changing my life from the hell I know is scarier than "getting better".  Every time I find myself in a close relationship, romantic or not.  I end up getting hurt.  The last time I ended up inpatient with suicidal ideation that would not quit.

In my life, "Love equaled pain, and he had no more room in his heart for it. Loneliness could never get worse, a solitary life was quantifiable and once accepted, became routine, manageable, and even comfortable … familiar as a comfy old chair or a favorite shirt." This is not to say I have abandoned love.

This is something I am incapable of.  I have even talked about feeling love for my therapist and there are others in my life who fall into this category.  Yet do I really want another truly meaningful relationship in my life.  Another person who I want to feel attached to like no other.  The real answer is yes.  However, that old "favorite shirt" will hang in the closet in a way that may stop me from ever really trusting anyone again.

2015-11-11 Wed.

This, to me, is one of the saddest aspects of what trauma has done to me.

*       *       *       *       *

2015-01-06 Tue.

Intolerance?  Intolerance is something we all have to some degree.  More often than not, it gets worse as we get older.

Now I've read and heard a lot about making one's life better.  Sometimes we need to embrace our faults before we can fix them.  In the case of intolerance I'm not saying I should become more intolerant of people who don't think.  I need to pay more attention to them and figure what it is that drives me up the wall when ever I have to deal with them.

As an obvious example it really drives me crazy when people stop to talk in the middle of the sidewalk making it necessary to walk in the street, if possible, to get around them.  Why should everyone else have to deal with these people.  Their rude, causing a hazard, generally just being a pain in the butt.  However, what really bothers me the most about these people is they don't even realize what they are doing.  Unless of course they are purposely being mean, very unlikely most of the time.

2015-11-11 Wed.

My thought of what embracing my intolerance is accepting it.  Living with it, letting it run it's merry way through my mind.  Until it starts to become obsessive.  At which point I try to tell myself 'time to let go of those brainless fools'.  To which I often come back with But.  But hell, I should let someone I don't know run my life.  While I do have a pet peeve with "No one can make you feel anything".  I also know that I am the one getting upset and, staying upset ruining my day.  Not those brainless fools blocking the sidewalk.

It just occurred to me that in a way my intolerances remind me to always be mindful.  To not be in someone esle's list of intolerances.  Unless of course they are intolerant of what I am.  In which case we should just avoid each other.

Week 44 - 2014-08-18 Mon.

It's been a while since I've written anything. Life got a little out of hand and I just haven't been able to get myself back to writing. As you can see I started to write something on Monday 2014-05-19 and Monday 2014-07-21. Since they didn't get published I'm going to put it in here.

2014-05-19 Mon.

Well It's Monday evening and again I haven't written anything in two weeks. So I'm lying here trying to think of something to say besides just griping about how busy life has been so far this year. It really hasn't slowed down much yet. I have to go out to Potomac tomorrow, a 40 mi. (64.37 km) round trip, because Pat might have another UTI (if so third time this year).

I'm going to see about helping out in the computer room where I live. I live in public housing for senior and disabled people. They have four computers and some people are trying to learn how to use them. I have no idea what if any help people might want, or if the city will let me do more than stand around and comment if wanted.

One thing has changed to maybe make my life easier, maybe. Pat has decided to stop seeing Jenny.

2014-07-21 Mon.

It's been close to two months since I've written anything. For the most part it's all been the same stuff over and over. It's still the same stuff now except that I'm sitting in Starbucks wasting time while the car is in the shop.

I was at the doctors (blood in my urine, not a big deal yet) and decided to stop by the shop to see about bringing the car in tomorrow. Well today was a better day so I'm here from 12:00 to 17:30 or so.

So what's been going on? Pat's had her fifth UTI (urinary track infection) since December. Food Stamp paper work is due on July 30th, Medicaid's due on September 30th. Jeanie hasn't had internet since mid June so she calls when she feels the need but, she can't be reached except by phone.

2014-08-05 Tue.

An unusual thing thing happened today. All I got in the mail was stuff I was waiting for and that I wanted. A two disc sci-fi mini-series and a pair of ten foot power/data cables for Andi the Android (my tablet).

I still haven't done anything about the blood in my urine. I need to find someone to pick me up at the hospital after they scope my urinary track. I can't catch a cab. Technically who ever it is is suppose to stay with me for something like twelve to twenty-four hours after I get home. (A real bother.) I don't know anyone who drives who I would want to ask. For someone who lives in a city I live a very secluded life. Though I did just think of someone who lives in my building who might no charge me too much to do it.

This is something like the forth or fifth time I have had blood in my urine in the past 12 years and nothing has come of it before. I really don't like doctors and hospitals.

I took care of the Food Stamps. Attach of my good bad luck. I was at the Food Stamp office for over four and a half hours (bad luck). After it was all said and done I ended up getting sixty more dollars a month because the last time I applied the person didn't bother to put in my rent (good luck). The person I talked to this time even let me go online so he could make a copy of my rent check to the Housing Authority to show that I paid rent. *¿*

Jeanie, my friend who lives in Chicago (I live in DC), finally got her internet, Saturday the 2nd. However, for the past two or three months she's has been distant. The yesterday I got a little upset with her about it. Last night she said she was going to Skype me early tonight. It's already 21:40 so I'm not holding my breath.

Now for what started this whole writing thing tonight. Ever three to five years since I started smoking (1980 I was 25) I run a spread sheet to see how much I'm smoking. This time I decided to keep (limited) track of what's going on during the day. Then I decided to assign colors to the days. Like a number scale. Anyway it looks like this.

The following, including the picture of the spreadsheet, has changed several times since I started this on Tuesday the 5th. It's not that I'm changing the context. It's all just straight facts, rare data like the spreadsheet. However, since I started writing this I've added a new stat to the spreadsheet, and written definitions for the “Stress Level”. When you get to the 2014-08-05 Tue. I have gone back to what I originally wrote.

The color words “Yellow”, “Orange 9”, etc. are only there for my reference, their the names OpenOffice uses for the colors. However, the “Stress”, “Withdrawn”, etc. are my attempt at number scales. A one to ten kind of thing. I don't do scales normally. Kind of they don't make sense to me. It's not quite a scale though.

These are created states. Consciously or not I don't want to go into a depressed state so I dissociate. If I go into it unconsciously I am able to tell that I'm dissociating if I really think about.

Forced Shutdown	Not dealing with life. Causes dissociated stress because it's no natural. I can feel this stress in a very detached way, If I think about it. However, it manifests it physically. I've been told by people in a PTSD Therapy Group that I can move my foot faster than anyone they have ever seen. Moving my foot drains off extra energy.
Shutdown	Dealing but as little as possible. Causes dissociated stress . . .

These are depressive states. These are anxiety rather than stress. For the most part though I can't tell the difference so they belong here too.

Very Depressed	This is one step before going in-patient. This hurts on a physical level. It is rare that I get here. I usually skip this stage because I don't see it coming.
Depressed	Mostly just sad. Talking about wanting to quit sometimes. Though not meaning it. This feels very different from “Forced Shutdown”. I can feel. There is no dissociation. Depending on how depressed I am it can hurt, with a physical pain.

This one is not necessarily depressed or at least I don't feel depressed. Though I my be clinically depressed. Meaning my eating and sleep are off.

Withdrawn

Dealing but as little as possible. This feels the same as “Shutdown” except that my foot doesn't move as much if at all.

These are active states. This means that though I am feeling stress I dealing with it. Dealing with it includes taking Xanax. Unless I take more Xanax than I'm willing to (like when it makes me feel tired), I will continue to feel the stress. I use Xanax to take the edge off.

Calm Active	This is what I imagine most people's normal is. It's a kind of up and down day. My foot stays flat. Life is good.
Active	Kind of normal at the lowest edge of stress. I feel stress when I pay attention. I may take a little Xanax preemptively. My foot starts going. This comes on when I write or program sometimes. Like now.
Active People	Same as “Active”, but with people around. Being around people almost always adds to my stress.
Active Stretching	Low level stress. The edge is building but not quite sharp yet. A little Xanax wouldn't hurt.
Stress	Things most people carry all day. I need down time. I should take some Xanax but, I often go without it.
Very Stressed	This takes serious down time or Xanax. (I've been told to take more Xanax see Fri. 2014-07-25 on the spreadsheet.)

Graphically, on a chart it all might look something like this. Though this is an over simplification.

	Anxiety	Stress
	Very Depressed
	Depressed	Forced Shutdown
	Withdrawn	Shutdown
Calm Active
	Active
	Active People
	Active Stretching
	Stress
	Very Stressed

In the notes ¼X means a quarter milligram of Xanax.

2014-08-05 Tue

.

I don't like taking Xanax. I use to drink a lot, six to twelve beers a day. Why replace alcohol with Xanax.

I knew it was self medication and told my doctors so. Finally a doctor heard me when I said, “If you give me something for the anxiety I'll quit drinking.” She gave me the Xanax and I quit drinking. Sort of, I like beer. Now, when I take my mother out for dinner, once or twice a week I have a beer. I perfectly happy not drinking more. I really don't like being drunk. Twenty years after the fact I'm finally beginning to loose my tolerance to alcohol.

So anyway I wasn't/am not interested in trading alcohol for Xanax. Besides I've gotten good at shutting down and/or dissociating. Not that dissociating is a good thing but, I've been dissociating physical pain so long I don't even know I do it anymore.

2014-08-18 Mon.

Well I feel pretty good about what I've put together so far. I was just thinking. What about fear and anger. That gets complicated though.

There are several parts to this exercise. In no particular order they are:

1. Keeping track of how much I'm actually smoking.
2. Maybe by keeping track I'll cut back some.
3. It helps me figure out different stress levels. Something I'm not very good at. The whole 1 to 10 scale thing.
4. Keeping track to some degree of what I do with my time.
5. Keeping track of how much Xanax I take.

Now to change the subject.

I was going over what I had written at the very top, the stuff in brown (editorial remarks). When I started to insert the following into it.

It just seems as if all I'm doing is complaining about the same things over and over again. Even when I'm writing about the good things in my life it's still the same things just different words.

I then decided that I should put it down here and elaborate on it.

Maybe it's that I expect too much from life. No that's not it. I don't mind having the same things happening all the time. In fact I kind of like the lack of change. It's that I don't like feeling like I live a boring life. Even if I do. Writing about the same stuff over and over gets to be too much.

It's like watching TV. At this point I don't watch TV. Though there are a few shows I follow on Netflix. I go through a season at a time, usually in a day. For some reason I don't get caught up in the formula of the show this way. Where as if I watch an episode a week it ends up being the same show every week with the names, places, things, or topics being changed. If it's a show with a continuous thread by watching a season at a time I don't have a problem following the thread.

Anyway I'm getting away from writing. Some of what I write is interesting. Even on a week to week basis. It's just that after a while it all begins to run together into the same thing over and over.

Maybe I should try and write it month to month and see if I like that better. The stream of though stuff will still be there but, I can edit out the repetition. I don't know we'll see. Some of the essay parts are good.

Week 29 - 2014-05-06 Tue.

Once again I didn't write any thing new so I'm doing another Expressive Therapy fill in.

2009-02-18

What to do, what part of my life. I keep thinking I should do something about when I was twelve. At least the last half of twelve. It was January 7th, 1968 that my life began (in a manner of speaking I was 12 and a half ), I started smoking pot. It was at a party my mother was having and some of her friends had come up stairs looking for somewhere out of the way.

While smoking pot at twelve isn't really a good thing, it lead to my missing most of the sixth grade. It also lead me to be exposed to some incredible people and ideas. The anti-war (Vietnam) movement, eastern religions, the concept of non-violent revolution, formed a large part of who I am today.

All of my friends were at least five years older than I was. They were real friends we could sit and talk for hours about just about anything. Sometimes the ones who were in college would talk about what they were studying, and a couple of times tell me they got helpful feedback from me. Some of my friends even got me to go back to school for a bit, though way too late for me to graduate to the seventh grade.

There was a psychologist (the court had sent to a psych. hospital for thirty day observation) who had written that he would have been tempted to leave me with my friends except for the drugs.

Over all I learned more about life in those six months than I have in almost any year or two since. I had all of my emotions, people I liked and people who liked and wanted to spend time with me.

2009-04-30

Suppose that while you sleep tonight a miracle happens and all of your problems are completely solved. How would your life be different.

If all of my problems just disappeared as if they had never been I guess I would be your average person. This is something I can't imagine what it would be like. I don't even know if I would be the same person in any way, computers, mechanics, locksmithing, etc. Would my world be as spatially oriented without having gone through all the hypervigilant behavior/necessity.

If all of my problems were gone and I still remembered having had them, I think it would still take a while before I'd be able to live a "normal/healthy" life. Habit, if nothing else, would make it difficult to adjust. For instance, Would I still get pissed off (or how pissed off would I get) when people acted brainless (though you may never know it I'm not very tolerant of people who don't think), or inconsiderate to some extent being angry about this kind of thing is a "normal/healthy" reaction.

On the other hand it would really be strange if I were able to just shake my head and forget about it as if nothing had happened. In essence it would be like losing a part of myself that in a way I have become comfortable about, not with.

I know I'd be able to go back to school, or just go out an get a job and not worry about freaking out under pressure. I'd be able to deal with hurtful situations easier. I'm not entirely sure I would become much more social. I would have less/no social anxiety anymore, I would be more comfortable meeting new people, this would be nice. However, I think a certain amount of my solitude is part of my natural make-up.

2009-05-04

	Where I am now	One step in between	Where I want to be
Physical	Not in bad shape though I would like to lose 40 lbs.	Ride my bicycle.	About 180 lbs.
Social	Become a little more social, other than ACA.	Go out and do things, is the obvious answer. However, I really don't like going out, being around other people. This would require that I get over my whole intolerance thing, and straighten out my emotional life.	Have a few people to hang out with from time to time.
Intellectual	I'm basically happy with the way things are.
Emotional	I have trouble knowing what my emotions are, and trouble dealing with them even if I do know what they are.	Basically just try to stay with them as they come along, and asking for help figuring out how I should respond to/with them..	I'm not sure what this would look like. All I know is it would be nice if I could stop being so freaked out by and/or freaking out people.
Vocational	I would like to learn more about programming.	Go to School.	Able to write software applications.
Spiritual	I'm basically happy with the way things are.

2009-05-13

Mask Making / Authentic self
Outside	Inside
- Perception others have of you. - The self you portray to others.	- Perception you have of yourself. - What goes on inside? Thoughts, feelings you may hide from others.
Basically I think most people, when they first meet me, see me as a person who is fairly intelligent and talented at art, computers, and a verity of mechanical trades.  Easy going and friendly in most social setting. After a while they often come to the decision that I'm strange. At first this is because of my belief systems (social, spiritual, etc) aren't main stream.  Then they begin to see my emotional self isn't "quite right". Overall though most people seem to like me. * * * * * I try to present myself as who and what I am. I don't push the PTSD stuff, but I'm open about it. Once I feel comfortable being around someone I'll gladly talk about it. While I'm not my diagnoses, my diagnoses is part of who I am.	I try to see myself as what I am.  Somehow I don't seem to see myself as having problems with my self-worth.  I don't mean to say that I don't have any problems with self-worth/self-esteem, it's that I don't see them as such.  I know when I get to that place where I'm beating myself up and such, it's the sickness.  It's the sickness that was created in my brain because of the environment I grew up in.  While I may have been the one who figured out and put in to place the strange coping mechanisms.  I had no choice. It was either use what I had or truly go insane. While I have certainly changed some things about myself over the years.  I can't take any more credit for the need of the coping skills I've used than I can for my creation. * * * * * I often feel as if I have no idea of what's going on inside of me.  Most of the time I can tell you, to some degree, what I'm thinking or feeling in the moment, but sometimes as little as five minutes later I'll have no idea of what my emotional state was. So basically I'll tell anyone anything they can think of to ask about.   However there are some thoughts, feelings, and/or actions I have done that will die with me and me alone.

2009-05-20

Things you are in control of (and how it feels).

Physical pain - it makes life a lot easier to live with sometimes.

Allowing myself to feel my emotions, in a way - This is a two edged sword, on the one hand turning off my feelings can allow me to function in an emergency, on the other hand it becomes too easy to turn them off when I hurt.

My life style, and my beliefs - It's nice to know that I can live my life the way I want with out my past controlling how I live now.  This is not to say that my past has not influenced my life style or my beliefs.  Though most of the time I know what it's like to be treated badly, so I end up doing the opposite of how I was raised.

To some extent my habits and addictions - Such as I am now able to have a beer without having to have five or twelve more, like I used to.  Smoking I have decided to keep this for the time being, but if the last time I quit is any indication I should be able to quit when I'm more stable.  It helps with my anxiety and I use it like any other drug/medication.

To some extent my thought processes - I know that I can talk myself into feeling bad.   Though I admit talking myself into feeling better is a lot more difficult.   This is the one thing that can make me stop the spiraling when I remember to use it early enough.

Things you are not in control of (and how it feels).

The feeling of insanity I get when I start obsessing over feeling bad or external events I have no control of - This I would gladly let go of.  It's the number one thing that will send me spiraling down.

My startle response - this can cause me to get depressed even if I feeling good.

Suicidal ideation - I don't know the causes or triggers sometimes, I feel as if these thoughts have a life of their own.  I can, sometimes, stop them but only after the fact.

Hypervigilance - I wouldn't mind this one if I could turn it off sometimes.

Anxiety -

2009-06-25

Three things I like about myself

1     I like that I'm beginning to be able to catch myself when I start to fall off the edge into the depression pit.

For example during group. While people were talking about separating from family, I started to just wish Pat would die. Witch is guaranteed to knock me off the edge, and it did. However this time once I realized I was going into the kill myself place I did it different. I went to the store and got a bottle of tea and a apple-fritter. I'm don't really think my sugar was low, but it made me happier once I got into it.

2     I like that I'm a survivor.

I'm not saying I wanted to be one of course, but since I'm here I might as well try to deal with all of the crap that made me a survivor. Sometime in the late '80s or early '90s I had started to say that I was convicted to life.  By doing this I set myself on the road to recovery (as the 12 step programs say).  This work is so hard sometimes, I believe it takes a survivor to do it.   Being a survivor allowed me to stay in my skin, during group, long enough to do things differently, rather than staying and falling further in to the dark.

3     I like that I'm smart, to me this includes intelligence, common sense, and wisdom (worldly knowledge).

Being smart gives me the ability to process and accept or deny things I hear that are suggested as being part, or not, of me.  Which today meant processing things that I've heard and use it to bring me back from the crazy place.  Two weeks ago I realized that most of the guilt/shame that I have comes from my childhood, comes from Pat.

2009-06-29

My sense of my emotional state is totally messed up right now, and I'm not sure if I can break it down.

The first thing that comes to mind is emptiness.  However, as soon as I think of this I begin to feel depressed.  Though in part I know that some of the depression is because it's impossible to have no emotions.  So I feel bad because I can't figure out what I'm feeling.  A kind of circular logic in a way.  When I get into this state of emptiness and depression I then start to get anxious I want to run away and hide, and trying to write about it makes it that much harder to sit with.

I often feel this way in ET.  It often feels like a lie if I push myself to do follow a given task.  So I end up trying to do something that feels right (feels to be where I'm at).  Following the given task in some way if possible.

Some times I wish I weren't a survivor.   I don't mean this is the sense of not having gone through the trauma, but rather in the sense of not being able to keep myself going, keep myself alive. I can and will live through this feeling of emptiness, depression, and anxiety.  I want to just break down and cry.  To disappear into my books or my computer. To runaway and hide. To give up and die. I can't though.

I can't stop trying to go on.  Sometimes this is only because I have given people my word.  And in all honesty sometimes because I do believe that I can change my life despite what was done to me as a child.  Though sometimes, even when I feel the hell I have to live with, sometimes I can still have hope of my own.

2009-07-08

For me perfect is feeling connected to the universe, to everything.  This connection comes when it does.  I'm not saying that I have absolutely no part in when it comes.   I've never felt connected when I'm not free of quote unquote negative feelings, anger, depression and such. Most often I have been in the country or at the beach.  Rarely when I'm with other people, not to be confused with around other people.  Being around others becomes too distracting, unless they are also also just being.  A strange thing about feeling connected is that it's not effected by recreational drugs.  Meaning I have felt connected while doing a variety of different drugs and alcohol, and when not doing any of them.

The easiest way for me to describe it is:

One day, (in the mid '80s) I was riding a motorcycle out near Harpers Ferry and kind of all of a sudden I realized I was in a bliss like state.  My body felt as if God had touched me and taken away all of my pains (there were quite a few of them).  My senses were fully open I could feel, see, hear, taste and smell (this doesn't happen very often) everything going on around me.  I was aware of little pebbles I road over.  I became aware of a hawk that was circling at about 50 feet high to my left.  I could smell and taste the air.  It was almost a feeling of not being able to do anything wrong, but very different.  Maybe more like there was no wrong.  If I believed in god as a conscious entity I would say god had come to me and made my world perfect for a short time.

Week 28 - 2014-04-27 Sun.

2014-04-27 Sun.

When we, people in general, are young we need a stable environment. From birth to roughly five or six life is nothing but change from a child’s perspective. We are learning constantly at a very accelerated pace or maybe it’s that out learning slows as we age. Parental attention, supervision, and rules change with age. We need constants to balance these thing out.

My mother was emotionally absent most of the time, this is change/ inconsistency. My father was never there emotionally and his moods went from neutral to bad, at least when it came to me. Fortunately he wasn’t around most of the time, though this is another change/inconsistency.

When I was 18 I had lived in eighteen different places in Maine Mass., Fla., NH, Indiana, and DC. From 6 to 15 I had lived in eight different places and I lived in one of them for two years. Even military kids don’t move that often and when they move they still have the military.

For trauma people who lived in one place through their childhood the inconsistencies and insanity of home life versus life outside the home are enough to create the same effect. We, people, are born with a need for stability and safety.

So ask yourself Why Change. I’m no longer in that environment. I live very well for my needs on disability. My environment is very stable. I need to change Cause He Almost Never Got Enough.

I got enough to keep me alive. My mother gave me enough love that I know what love is. Though she is one of two people in my life now that I could say I really love. My friend, yes one real friend, lives in Chicago. We met when I was 16 and she moved away when I was 27. I’m now 58 and we have managed to stay in touch all of this time. When she left we probably wouldn’t have said we loved each other, now we do.

I need more people in my life but, that requires change. Change I know I need but, I still fight unconsciously. The only real attachments I have are my mother, my friend, my therapist, and my computers. That order is always changing, another thing I need to change.

Week 27 - 2014-04-22 Tue.

I didn't write anything last week so I'm going to fill this space with some of my stuff from expressive therapy, both pictures and writing.  Some of these I'm just going to paste in scans of what I wrote or drew others need to be typed or I typed them when I wrote them.  I'm not going to make any effort to put them in date order.  In part because I can't with some of it and I don't want to.  This is my toy and I'll do it my way *¿*.

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The writing says:

Not contained but held in place and allowed to burn.  No fuel needed, none taken away.  To be kept at a distance from myself and others as needed.

I used to get really angry about almost anything.  It's not all gone by any means but, I would say I have it under control as long as I don't stray to far from my current environment.  The idea of the picture is the brown thing at the bottom is keeping the black and blue ball of anger floating in place.  The anger is so intense it's creating the flames and this can not be allowed to touch the ground. The reason I added the “as needed." is because sometimes we should be angry and I know I shouldn't cut it out completely. The smudge in the lower left corner is a tree growing on a rocky hill. I doodled in the corner of almost all of the pages while we were being given instructions and sometimes during the art making time and the discussion time.

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a sense of validation

remove my blocks let some of the stuff

escape

it's far to easy to turn off

That man turned me into what I am. I'm trying to live with the pain, fear, and anxiety that floods my mind whenever I open up to what's inside of me.

I need to let some of this stuff out. This is What gets in the way whenever I let out any emotion. Why am I afraid of love and hate, afraid of being myself.

I want out, out of promises, out of the feeling of guilt. I need out of guilt, I need to feel that others can and do believe me and are willing to work with my raw emotions, and that I'm not looking for attention I need to be able to believe in others even when what they say hurts.

The man was my father I climbed between the tub and the wall wall one night. He didn't get me that night.

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This one is from 2005-03-21 and in all honesty I can't tell you anything about it. Though I can tell you I enjoyed doing it. It was calming which was good because I couldn't do whatever the project was suppose to be.

For me a lot of drawing is texture how the pencil feels on the paper and the texture of the picture it's self. I think that that dark patch was meant to be something like a lava flow. It's not how I draw plants or water.

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What's in the way of my emotional growth?

Some of the problem in never having learned that emotions are all about. And some of it is only having one place where I feel that it's alright to deal with my emotions.

When I do feel I tend to get "little", meaning, I tend to behave like a small child. There are some obvious draw backs to this but, it seems to be the only way I can stay in touch with what I'm feeling.

I know what difficulties this can present. However, I think that with the understanding that can come with knowing what I feel I will be able to? I will be able to stay grown up and feel my feelings and act appropriately with them. I lack the understanding of what I feel and the knowledge of how to act with my feelings.

Let go of the logical

Let go of the physical

The let go of logic makes a certain amount of sense to me since I tend to be overly cognitive. I think the let go of the physical means the physical world around me. I'm very hypervigilant and have ADD so I'm constantly doing, watching, and hearing. The only time I'm not in motion is when I read. Though I have been reading and thinking something entirely different at the same time. What I mean is while my eyes are scanning the page and I'm taking in the information a second part of my mind is talking to it's self.

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To bring all of them together without blending. Being able to go from "Rage" to "Calm" without having to treat emotions as a color spectrum.

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I keep splitting my cognitive from my emotional.

I split my emotions into individual parts or become anxious when I have more than one emotion.

I speak of cognitive and emotional states in the second or third person.

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This is another anger thing. War in my head. Body burning up. Chain to keep me together.

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      Lost in space and time, not knowing what to do or where to be. Confusion setting in. Aahhh I don't know what to do. Why can't I just do this simple thing. I know what it is I need but, I'm lost in this stupid song.

      So maybe I should just write the words down and see if I can find a direction to follow. No that's not the topic.

      Okay so maybe I can just write what's going on in my head. That's it I can dialog about how hard it can be to think of the constructive tools I can use to help calm myself down.

      Oh ho I think I've been doing what I'm trying to figure out...

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I added this last one after I had decided to quite because it ends on a positive note. However, sometimes one of the quickest ways I get depressed is reading about what to do to get me better. I know what to do when I'm feeling bad but, I have a hard time doing it sometimes. Going through this stuff is kind of the same thing because it's trying to figure out what I'm going through and how to deal with it. So since it's starting to get to me I'm going to leave it where it is.