Week 28 - 2014-04-27 Sun.

2014-04-27 Sun.

When we, people in general, are young we need a stable environment. From birth to roughly five or six life is nothing but change from a child’s perspective. We are learning constantly at a very accelerated pace or maybe it’s that out learning slows as we age. Parental attention, supervision, and rules change with age. We need constants to balance these thing out.

My mother was emotionally absent most of the time, this is change/ inconsistency. My father was never there emotionally and his moods went from neutral to bad, at least when it came to me. Fortunately he wasn’t around most of the time, though this is another change/inconsistency.

When I was 18 I had lived in eighteen different places in Maine Mass., Fla., NH, Indiana, and DC. From 6 to 15 I had lived in eight different places and I lived in one of them for two years. Even military kids don’t move that often and when they move they still have the military.

For trauma people who lived in one place through their childhood the inconsistencies and insanity of home life versus life outside the home are enough to create the same effect. We, people, are born with a need for stability and safety.

So ask yourself Why Change. I’m no longer in that environment. I live very well for my needs on disability. My environment is very stable. I need to change Cause He Almost Never Got Enough.

I got enough to keep me alive. My mother gave me enough love that I know what love is. Though she is one of two people in my life now that I could say I really love. My friend, yes one real friend, lives in Chicago. We met when I was 16 and she moved away when I was 27. I’m now 58 and we have managed to stay in touch all of this time. When she left we probably wouldn’t have said we loved each other, now we do.

I need more people in my life but, that requires change. Change I know I need but, I still fight unconsciously. The only real attachments I have are my mother, my friend, my therapist, and my computers. That order is always changing, another thing I need to change.