2014-04-08 Tue.
This is the third time I started to write this week. I still don't know what to write. I've been in a weird state of mind. Not bad just different. I think I could be considered to be in a kind of mental state of shock. I've been watching a bunch of different kinds of video for many hours hours every since last Thursday. Maybe that should even be last Wednesday. I think that finally getting off the list for Jury Duty has a lot to do with it.
Maybe I'm still in a depressed state but in a depersonalized way. My sleep and eating is still off but, I don't feel it. In retrospect even some of my good feeling on Thursday may have been hysterical. I'm not sure I can tell. I don't/haven't felt bummed out.
On Friday I told Jeanie I was taking the day off. She laugh, meaning this was kind of silly/stupid since I take every day off. This isn't the same thing to her as it is to me. Though she did notice I was feeling better. I do work most days. Just not what most people call work. It is hard work to be me, almost every day, just to be here.
Some days I think to myself, "I could go to work, I could be a Hack." that's cabby to most people. Then I say "Right! How long would I last before I quit or got canned either because of customer complaints about my driving my driving, or from my lack of driving." I really don't have any idea which would come first. I might (maybe) be able to go a week without having to take time off. As for my driving. I can't drive slow, at 25 mph I feel like I could walk faster. I get other ideas for getting a job and while the results of my success at keeping them have a longer time frame they never seem to last longer than six months. I can't imagine ever having a job for a year again.
So what do I do that I think of as work? The most obvious thing I do that others would think of as work is programming. In truth I do very little of this. While I have thought about my TM_Notes program fairly often since I last worked on it I haven't done any work on it since January. If I could get myself to write what I think about any number of things, social, psychological, political, money, software, hardware and others, I could possibly make some money at them. (I'm too much of a perfectionist.) I play with software though most of my reviews wouldn't make it into a magazine because I don't go into great depth. I write about what the avarage user might use and I tend to go off an tangents about some issues about particular parts while all but ignoring others. Also I write like I talk. While this is novel and to some refreshing, it's not what I see when I read these kind of things. Though my lack of or explanation of tech talk could be seen as a real plus. I'd like to get some feed back on this sometime from someone other than a therapist or close friend.
I keep myself busy reading and watching video. I have no idea of what others think of what I have to say bout these. My step father, who was a well known writer, was book critic for a while. He brought home a book one time that I read. I later told him I thought it was a really good 150 page novel written in 300 pages. This is not to say that I didn't like the book I did. However, you could tell the writer was getting paid by the word. My step father agreed with me, though he would never have said so in print. He has also agreed with me on other comments I have made about these things he has written about. He also liked my tech writing. So I have some bases for thinking I have a little talent in these areas.
I make, or think of things to make. All likes of things. An umbrella I strapped to my back so I could read while walking in the rain. I've never seen any but there are five patents on the idea. I modified a crutch to hold my umbrella while not in use. (I prefer a crutch to a cane.) I also made a couple of bags to hang on my crutch. One of which was three layers thick the middle lining was plastic so the contents didn't get wet in the rain. I invented a frame work for winterizing old windows. Even a set of macramé straps to hook my big cup to my backpack strap so I wouldn't have to carry it in my hand.
Other than this I think a lot. Sometimes I think too much on things I shouldn't. Everyone does, sometimes though. So I don't go too hard on myself most of the time.
I've been following an interesting thread on line.
Nem Changsan
Extended circles - Apr 6, 2014
Liv Laffluve originally shared:
16 comments
James L. Smith
Apr 6, 2014
The West looks at Depression as an illness. The Freinch call is misery normale. In the east they think it's something to learn from and move through, nothing is permanent. I've even heard depression called "Pride in Reverse". Many thanks.
Nem Changsan
Apr 6, 2014
+James L. Smith WOW...that's the coolest thing i learn today. Many thanks for the input James :)
James L. Smith
Apr 6, 2014
Wordup homegirl. Ha ha ha. Have too much fun.
Simran Mann
Apr 6, 2014
Like the post very much :)
Vish Thakur
Apr 6, 2014
Good post.
graeme russell ellis
Apr 6, 2014
At least some people realize it exists :)
Robin E. Douglas
Apr 6, 2014
+graeme russell ellis rather than realizing Depression exists. I think most people don't want to realize or deal with depression. Because it can be such a heavy burden.
James L. Smith
Yesterday 2:18 AM
I'm depressed right now. I can't be bothered with anything. I'm just checking out the comments. I can't cope with people or music or t.v. or any stimulus at all. All I can do is wait for it to pass and, it eventually will. Many thanks.
graeme russell ellis
Yesterday 3:47 AM
+James L. Smith I hear ya I dont watch tv for that very reason .......it will pass man
James L. Smith
Yesterday 3:51 AM
+graeme russell ellis thanks
It's already improving. Your comment came at just the right time. God bless you man, James.
graeme russell ellis
Yesterday 8:39 AM
+James L. Smith we share the black dog man I understand am afflicted too !
James L. Smith
Yesterday 8:45 AM
+graeme russell ellis wordup brother.
Robin E. Douglas
Yesterday 10:23 AM
+James L. Smith I to carry this burden alone all to often.
James L. Smith
Yesterday 10:28 AM
We all do. Don't bother trying to cure it. Just be still and let it pass. When you find peace in depression your released from it. It's objective is to have you alone, in the Foeatel (fetal?) position, crying, talking to no one. Don't let it win. Bless. James.
graeme russell ellis
Yesterday 5:10 PM
+James L. Smith so true if you accept it ......better in the end........everyday have a level of it nothing can do just move forward.......some days are worse than others
Nem Changsan
3:05 AM
Oooh looks like i miss a party :(
Robin E. Douglas
9:55 AM
+Nem Changsan you've missed a non-pity party. +James L. Smith I go for this also, to a point. Depression will suck away my outer awareness. This can be dangerous. It's also Very weird as I have a bad case of hypervigilance. I do watch these things but there are times I do have to go out.
This is an interesting take on depression.
To think I started this because I was feeling bad about not writing this week and I wrote a whole page without even trying. Guess it just shows what you can do when you don't think about it.
I found this great thing on the Trauma and Dissociation Project Google+ page.
Kallena Kucers
5:53 AM
OK - can't resist sharing this (though it's not 'formal research') I LOVE it as it's both hysterically funny and also (in my view!) very very accurate (George Atwood is a well-known theorist, writer and clinician and one of the people who have contributed most to the development of inter-subjective systems theory. Apparently this came to him in a dream):
It is well worth the read. Funny!
I haven't been on Google+ very much this past week. Enough too take care of my e-mail kinds of things but, not hunting through other stuff as much. Though I did copy a forty-four page thread on DID. That was a lot of work because of the way it copied. I haven't read it all yet. it's very technical and a bit depressing. The reason for copying it as I said in the thread:
Robin E. Douglas
Apr 3, 2014
Hi all, I've been following this thread off and on. I have made a copy of it for myself so I can really read it and I thought some of you might like a copy.
I'm not DID but I definitely dissociate. For me it's more like there are three of us who are totally co-conscious. Sometimes it's almost like there is a fourth who comes out two or three times an years and freaks out sending my stress levels through the ceiling.
Anyway, reading this stuff helps me understand myself better. I'm going to keep coping it for myself. As it is I have 43 pages which could take me several days to get through.
Actually I've only read the first seven or eight pages. I'll finish it though.
I'm running out of things to say. Bye bye.
No comments:
Post a Comment