Week 24 - 2014-03-26 Wed.

2014-03-26 Wed.

How do you armor yourself to deal with stress. I can float the idea of trying to deal with stress but this has the disadvantage keeping stress on my mind. Kind of counter-productive.

2014-03-28 Fri.

OK that was a long wait for the end of a thought. Life does that sometimes.

The counter-productive part is most of the time I find I find thinking about stress can cause it to linger. If could see stress like I do physical pain this might be good. I would just immerse myself in it and normalize it. Unfortunately this doesn't work with psychological states. With physical the immersion dissipates the sensation through my body. I don't know how to to dissipate stress or depression. However this works great if I'm feeling good.

Jeanne said today that some people talk of "personifying" things like stress and anxiety. I have Little and 12 year old. This is worth a try. Stress and anxiety are pretty much the physical and emotional aspects, respectively, of the same thing. I need to capture the anxiety in a way that I can give it some kind of a personality, or at least a primitive personality. Most of this is in Little's domain. Though 12 year old s quite precocious he (12 year old is a boy) seems to have a better balance of emotion and cognition. However I don't yet have a solid connection with him.

While 12 year old has I'm sure been around for many years (30 or more), I only became truly aware of him in late 2008. When Karin started bitching about him. However, between his intelligence and his emotional capabilities he might be the better place to start. Maybe I can find a way of using both of them together at least to start with. Little has a way of dealing stress and anxiety that is different and in this case her talents might not be the best avenue since she tends not ignore but, displace or, in a way, disperse the "harder" emotions.

To change the subject for minute or two or twenty. I just got an connector for Andi (the android) that allows me to connect a mouse to it. This is really nice I don't have to worry about the accuracy of the stylus anymore. It's very handy here when I'm writing because I can use the menus and such even faster. It even interfaces with the on-screen keyboard. I can use double-clicks and right-clicks to open and close the the keyboard and even use it to click on the keyboard if for some reason I don't want to type. Pretty cool huh. The only drawback to it is that I have to unplug it to charge the battery. One last thing to test whether I can use it with my Logitech mouse keyboard combo. That would be super. It works I'm now typing on a full size keyboard. this makes working at home much easier than it was before. I now, kind of, have a eight inch laptop. Even more so than before. Well back to the real world now. Not that I'm saying this isn't real. It is and it's really nice to. I should have done this before.

Little's abilities have a draw back, I don't know what it is she does. As an adult with my limited emotional abilities I'm not sure I'll be able to figure it out without my two little friends (me) working together.. I wonder if this is what integration is like.

It reminds me of a day at The Center I was trying to figure this stuff out and talking and asking question about DID. One woman asked what I was going on about and another said "Oh it just Bobbie trying to be DID again." The separation can be so great sometimes. It is like having two people in my head. Granted this is less so now that I know what is going on but...

Another draw back to doing it could be that I will be trying to split myself into more people in a manner of speaking. Looking for the parts that hold the stress and/or anxiety. Are there more parts to me or is it just that Big me doesn't know how to deal with this stuff so I sub/unconsciously stuff it. To paraphrase an old adage; "Be careful of what you go looking for you just might create it."

I think for starters I try and figure if I can slow the Little down enough so that I can see what she is doing and try writing about what is going on when my leg starts going. Like it is now.

I kind of just noticed that my leg "all of a sudden" started going crazy. Also my stomach acid started to get real bad but, this could be because I'm drinking peach tea with cranberry juice, and I had some chocolate earlier and my stomach is basically empty by now. So I just made some diner.

What I've been doing is writing. Yes this stirs things up but, not normally quite so much or not so suddenly. I have been trying to analysis what's going on too. Yet it doesn't to fit the facts. I don't really feel anything that would seem to cause this. Little's not around right now but she rarely is when I write unless it's something like writing about the mouse and keyboard. Those kinds of things are fun. This is more like big people talk which for the most part she has little interest in. Like most little kids she'd rather play.

2014-03-29 Sat.

I've been having fun today. I rooted Andi (I decided this Android should be female). Then I found some neat new programs that only work on rooted devices. One of them "freezes" programs so they don't work or show up in program lists. I finally got rid of Google Play Music!!!!! Can you tell I'm happy?

Therapy time. My leg started going almost as soon as I started to write. I didn't even intend to write any therapy stuff. It's 23:40 and I'm getting tired. Well that's all I just needed to note this down. G-night.

2014-03-30 Sun.

I'm just lying here doing nothing. I don't want to read because I'll probably just fall asleep. Not that I don't necessarily need some. I was probably out by 24:00. At 3:30 I woke up went to the bathroom. I saw 3:30 on the clock as I closed my eyes. Next thing I know it's 3:56 and I'm pretty close to being totally awake. The rest of the night was on and off. Almost like a kid playing with a light switch irregular but, never in one state for very long.

I think I will try reading for a while I've just had a head ache start up.

2014-03-31 Mon.

Almost as soon as I came out of my book my leg started going off.

I don't want to be doing things. I feel like I’m on overload. I'm bored with Google+. It's not what I want. I don't know what I want.

2014-04-04 Tue.

The world is like a bed of rose petals and I feel as if I'm lying on a cloud of bliss. This is a stupid April Fools joke. Just had to make one.

It's Spring isn't it. Twice a year usually in the Spring and Fall I get like this. "I don't want to do anything." "The world sucks." "Why can't I just die and get it over with." I don't know why this happens. I can't think of anything that happened in either Spring or Fall that didn't happen all the rest of the time.

Sally once guessed that it might be because we moved every year in the Spring or Fall. Well it was more like early and late Summer but, there might be something to it. Yet, I know there is more.

My Ritalin didn't bother me today like it has been. This is a good sign.