Week 23 - 2014-03-18 Tue.

2014-03-18 Tue.

I think I my be clinically depressed right now. There are a few thing that could be the reason for this.

• The fact that I said. "I'm close to being happy with my life."
• The timing of that post by Quentin.
• The kindred spirit thing with Graeme.
• Any number of other things. Like starting Trauma is Trauma.

I've been jittery most of the morning. I was off last night I got lost, for three or hours, in the computers. Three or four of them at the same time and on the internet with more than one. I feel kind of like my favorite movie line. "I couldn't think as slow as you if I tried." Thought racing, just plain too much.

I've calmed down now, it's 01:10. I forgot to add something to my bullet list above. The case for my new Android didn't come yesterday like it was suppose to. I, Little, really had my hopes up. Bring it to Jeanne's today, play with it last night. Little was in hiding all night. I've never been so angry about the snow.

Well I got my case-keyboard and screen protector at about 19:30. Got it charged and started playing. I'm a little bummed out because the delete doesn't work and I really had my hopes up. When I saw that this one I kept saying in a low voice "delete delete" kind like the plant in The Little Shop of Horrors.

2014-03-19 Wed.

I smoked less today but, if doesn't really mean a lot because I had to roll four cigarettes before UPS got here at 16:00. Thought as of now I've only had twelve and it's 21:01. I did get a nice surprise though, the Indians set me a sampler carton with two packs of five different brand of Native American brands in ultra-lites. Very nice of them huh.

For those of you who might wonder why I always put enter time to the minute. The only none digital time pieces I own are. One battery powered analog clock with dead batteries that I never used anyway. I don't even know where it came from. And a binary clock I built in tech school in 1987 that doesn't keep time but, I like the patterns it makes.

Last night I killed Trauma is Trauma. I decided it was going to be too much for now. Besides as Quentin said when I told her about they (the group she works with) already have three trauma groups. There are also other PTSD Google+ communities too.

I also it was time to put finish putting Mary (the computer) back together. I just realized I haven't put any games back on her yet. They will have until tomorrow at least, more likely Friday or Saturday.

2014-03-20 Thu.

Happy Spring.

2014-03-23 Sun.

Yesterday was a movie day. I watched more than five and less than ten. I think.

I've been updating the blog, catching up on e-mail, and such. I was playing with the Windows registry but, it decided I shouldn't. So now I have to wait for windows to reset the registry restart.

Writing is always a good substitute for something. Last Tuesday I had written I "think I my be clinically depressed." Sometimes I can't be sure. The difference between depressed and clinically depressed for me is:

depressed is when something happens that's a bummer. After a while you forget about it and feel better.

Clinically depressed is when you body goes out of whack. Your sleep is off , your eating is off, etc.

So, I've been off a fair amount lately. My stress and anxiety have been up. Basically I don't feel connected to myself emotionally. We're not talking Major depression. Not abnormal suicidal thoughts, though a bit of a fatalistic outlook. Some of it having to do Pat's taxes. I think really I just need more down time. Dealing with Pat is getting to be too much for me.

I really don't know. Maybe I've gotten to the point where I'm stuffing my emotions so well I'm note even able to see them or, at least some of them. Maybe just the stress/anxiety. That makes sense to me. About the only thing I'm really aware of is the physical symptoms of the stress and getting lost for a few hours last week. Lost is the best word I can find for it. It's kind of a dissociative fugue but I can give a fairly general accounting of what happened. It's been a long time but, I've done these in the past. Getting lost that is, if I've ever been in a real dissociative fugue I don't remember it yet.

No wonder I like the idea of having a casual Friday at Jeanne's. I need someone to be able to just talk with. Even so, we do still do some therapy stuff.

Right now what's going on is my own fault though, I went and messed up Mary so I have to wait until I get her back up and running before I cane do anything with her. I was mucking about in the registry but I forgot to make a restore point before I did it. The screen went dark at 20:49, meaning it's suppose to be getting ready to reboot, this time I'm going to leave it until morning. The hard drive light is on solid which should mean it's working but... Well it only took something like forty-five minutes but it finally rebooted. Now it's downloading Windows 8.1.

Don't you just hate it when you do something stupid like that. Oh well it's not the first and probably not the last time. However, it's definitely not a beat yourself over the head thing. It was worth 0.5mg of Xanax though. Now all I have to do is reload the software I had loaded over the past week. On one thing is going to be a pain but, since I know how to deal with it from last time I'll get through it rather quickly this time.

Well Windows 8.1 is almost done. I think I'm going to leave the rest until tomorrow. Last nights up and down sleep is catching up with me early tonight.