2014-02-25 Tue.
I've decided the next song at Jeanne's will be People's Parties by Joni Mitchell. I just decided to change music day to Friday. There is two lines in this song that always get me. "Saying laughing and crying / You know it's the same release". I don't know how many times I've thought this was true even before I first heard the song. I have often said extreme joy and pain can feel the same for me because of their intensity.
I download a new version of AndrOpen Office My word processor. It's a nice improvement over the last version. Though I'm not sure how much of it is because I paid for the "Professional Version". All of $0.99 might break me but, I don't have to look at the ads I almost never saw anyway. Really I think the person or persons putting this together can use a little incentive. I should write a review for their Google Play (where most people get their Andriod apps) page.
I was just playing with some drawing programs. My old Sharp Zaurus had better software. There is one I like, enough that I went and spent another $ 0.99 on it. Not a total waste it does do some interesting stuff.
Sometimes Yuppies are just failed hippies. I know it's not necessarily a nice thing to say but, sometimes it's true.
2014-03-02 Sun.
Savages
Despite our entire contemporary civilized legacy, despite this upward condition of sophistication and chivalry, regardless of our senses for goodness, nobility and grace; in the depths of our existence something else dwells, an eerie premonition lurking upon the surface. It sleeps deep inside that inner darkness, a primal abyss locked up in our past so far in the human soul it almost borders with infinity. In its devilish dreams this condemned creature yearns for savagery, despair, bleeding and raw flesh. In the nature of this wretched being lay all wisdoms of inconsistency, corruption, destruction and illusion. This personal demon of ours is waiting in restlessness, anticipating to be unleashed and exiled back to his freedom of fury, away from the cage of that iconic depth where he had been so cunningly deceived by choice to stay as cast out and to lay hidden in secrecy. It’s so easy to be indulged by this primal calling; it’s so tempting to surrender into the anarchy and disorder of our savage impulses. We don’t need any external stimulus so that we can turn to our ferocious nature, it’s there – inside us; we all have it in our genetic code.
I’ve ruled to love, so I’ve decided never to kill my own demon, because I need him… it is not my intention to use him, for he serves me as a reminder; so I decided to put him to dreamless sleep and lock him down in its uneasy existence, in a condition to be tortured only by the anger of his solitary presence. From these labyrinths of that ancient prison there’s no way out, because it’s build from mathematics and alchemy. He’ll never wake up again and see the dawn of the surface… at least never again…
So in this global plutocratic rule, when democracy is being stepped on so forward and insolent, when violent clashes are elevated into revolutions being raised just for the thrill of destruction; do allow me to be so bold and pose you a question… what have you done with your demons?
My Comment to the author.
Robin E. Douglas Feb 28, 2014
+Dejan Kordoski This, I don't know? Poem doesn't seem to be the right word.
It almost hurts with the truth it describes. What do we do with our demons? To have them remain visible as reminders, and yet to be rendered totally harmless, seems like a dream. I wish with all my heart and soul this could be possible. It seems it would be easier to kill them and totally erase them from my life. However the joy of knowing I would never forget, never have the temptation, no matter how blindly and unknowing, of ever treating another human as I've been treated. What more could I ask of life?
You have truly touched my heart. I am almost driven to tears with the joy of knowing someone could describe this so well, from having had the chance to read it.
Truly thank you for it.
Bobbie
Dejan Kordoski Feb 28, 2014
Bobbie, you're so kind. thanks?
Robin E. Douglas Feb 28, 2014
+Dejan Kordoski In thinking about what I saw on your blog so far I'd almost be afraid to meet you because I'd probably have the wrong idea of who you really are :)
Dejan Kordoski Feb 28, 2014
+Robin E. Douglas, please elaborate:)
Robin E. Douglas Feb 28, 2014 +1
+Dejan Kordoski It's like, I have always really liked Joni Mitchell. When I was twelve (1968) she was in her mid-twenties, just becoming known in the music world. I became fascinated with who she might be. I've read some stuff about her, I've listened to her music. In my mind I have built this image of who she is. In all likelihood while my idea of who she is may be true to some extent... I have in a sense become attached to someone I don't know. Who I really don't know anything about. This could lead to some real disappointment. At best my interpretation could be right on. At worst I would meet someone writes great music and has some social-political views I like but otherwise we have nothing in common. It could turn out really bad.
From what I've read on your blog I see someone who has lived through some truly bad stuff. A person who has not only survived but to some extent flourished with an ability for prose. Someone who can and has touched my heart through her writing. But I know nothing about you.
Everything I just wrote is pure speculation on my part.
Yet, while I would like to think you are someone who I would like to believe, even on such small evidence, is special. I'm still afraid that while you are likely to be a very nice person we would never get along if we were to meet.
In a nutshell I may have put you on some kind of a pedestal in my mind and wouldn't want to be disappointed.
I have no intention of putting any of this to any kind of test. My comment was meant as a compliment. Hence the the :).
If I have offended you in any way Please forgive me. I get a little wordy sometimes.
Test as of this week is twenty weeks long and nineteen of them are on my blog. It wasn't all that hard but it was time consuming. Not to mention the almost week where I didn't do anything with it. The numbers Google gives don't match from one statistics page to another but using the page that breaks it down country:
United States 147 Firefox 122 Windows 141
France 12 Internet Explorer 23 Macintosh 25
Germany 8 Chrome 13 Android 3
Canada 2 Safari 9
Safari Mobile 3
All this information comes from the same page. These numbers are from February 4 to March 2. So someone is looking at what I've been writing.
As you already know I put the poem at the beginning of the day where it started.
I can't decide what to do. I have copy this poem written by Dejan Kordoski who posted a notice about it in a group on Google+. I want to have it here but I would like to have it all on one page, However, I have seventeen more lines to go on this page. Sometimes it amazes me what I can consider to be so important. While I do as a rule try not to break things up, meaning song lyrics or indented commentary, this is more important to me. It needs to be read without a break in thought that might occur when changing a page. Of course once I put into my blog this problem won't exist. Still, Jeanne reads it on paper. Her office does have Wi-Fi but, only from a single antenna which is two offices away from hers through drywall and steel studs. This gives a very poor connection.
I was just thinking I wonder if they, the group who run the office, would let me donate and install for free the necessary equipment to boost the signal strength. After all I wouldn't be doing it for them, I'd be doing it for me. What would be even better would be to use powered hubs. Two might do it. since there isn't an appreciable signal loss over fifty feet. No a remote antenna system would be better. Then I'd have less wiring head aches.
I've been looking at PTSD stuff on the web. From what I figure out the new diagnostic? criteria PTSD include some, if not all, of the criteria that had been proposed for CPTSD. I did see a list of symptoms proposed for both. Definitely not a win for the CPTSD folks but, not a bad compromise either. We must remember even the vaulted APA plays politics. The idea of having subcategories under the general PTSD heading isn't all together a bad one. I don't know, it's better than that Allen Frances guy would have done but, that's not saying much. People wonder why I tend toward anarchy. Sometimes politics doesn't belong.
I think I just found out that the layer of ether (was the first word to come to mind) that I'm standing on seems to be a bit thinner than one might like. What I'm talking about is thought I do really see an improvement in myself in a measurable way, I shouldn't get to cocky. Between reading about PTSD, the AMA, and the perpetrators, I seem to be walking on thin ice and ice is stronger than ether.
I think it's time to go read or something.
I ended up taking a short nap after eating a pint and a half of ice cream. I finished the pack of cigarettes I was smoking sometime before noon and haven't had any since, it's 22:27. My nap couldn't have been more than an hour and a half. Probably closer to an hour.
Now that I'm awake I don't know what to do. Don't you just hate it when your in this situation. I don't know what do you want to do?... Kind of depressing in a way. I mean here I am stuck in limbo. I don't want to get into programming, I'm not attentive enough. Don't want to cruse the net, can't think of anything interesting right now, no to mention that's what I was doing before the nap. I am writing but, this is really starting to get depressing. Video, movies and TV shows aren't tempting. I have to find a new story if I going to read. I'm re-reading "Brainwave" by Poul Anderson.
A good book but it points of the foolish nature of human kind. Every thinking entity on earth is suddenly two to four times more intelligent than it was last week. Yet one of the first reactions of not just humans but, some of the higher functioning animals is violence. The old "got to make sure I'm taken care of" thing. Right now I'd rather read some cheap formula pulp. No real thought required.
What was that I was saying about standing on thin ether? I rather like that thought pattern. The psyche in a sense isn't really based in the physical world. At least not since shortly after the first human had the first abstract thought. This is essentially when human kind became more than animals. This of course has no basis in anything but my powers of reasoning. But since there is no way of saying one way or the other. I mean it's not like there is a fossil record of this kind of thing. Unless I'm using the wrong terms who is to say when or in what order the psyche developed. Self awareness has too fine a line to use as the determining factor of when humans became more than animals.
Most vertebrates can be considered to be self-aware to some extent. Lets start with the basics hunger, pain, safety, defense, comfort, and taste. Pretty much these are the basics of awareness. Hunger and pain almost don't count but in the most basic sense they are awareness. Animals can learn to do or not do. Learning implies awareness of some kind. Safety and defense are intertwined living in a hole is safe because, out of sight out of mind to some degree. However, holes are easier to defend. Most cats prefer trees but, it's the same thing. Again we are talking about an instinctive awareness but slightly further up the awareness scale. However, since safety and defense are taught aren't we getting a little closer to the self. Comfort and taste are self-aware traits.
2014-03-04 Tue.
I fell asleep somewhere after that. Waking up enough to realize I had Sammy cradled in my arms still plugged in charging. So I unplugged it, put it on the table and fell directly asleep again. I think I will save this self-awareness topic for the next time I'm having trouble figuring out what to do. In the daytime it may very well throw me off on a tangent that will end up having a beneficial aspect to it.
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