2014-02-12 Wed.
It's 00:25 I was getting ready to go into wind down mode when I got reminded of an article:
Multiple Personality -- Is It Mental Disorder, Myth, or Metaphor?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allen-frances/multiple-personality-is-i_b_4695915.html
by Dr. Allen Frances M.D.
Dr. Frances was the chair for the DSM - IV committee. After reading this article I wouldn't want him to sit in on a treatment team meeting. I won't say he lied but, he wouldn't know the truth if it bit him. I'm being a bit harsh but, the man is a fool. Dr. Frances is one of the 'MPD' (which is what he still refers to it as) isn't real people. Geck. (He leaves a bad taste in my my mouth.)
(Editorial Comment: The reason I have put Dr. and M.D. in italics is that I feel Dr. Allen Frances M.D. should have his credentials checked as he obviously can't understand well documented facts in his own field of study.)
2014-02-14 Fri.
Happy Valentine's Day to all especially those I love.
2014-02-15 Sun.
After I got home from Jeanne's on Friday I spent most of the day nodding off. I guess I'm still not sleeping well. I did do something really strange though, for me at least. I started reading about the US Presidents in Wikipedia. I'm not sure how but for some reason I was reading about Lincoln. I decided I might as well read the whole thing. Then I read about in order Jefferson, J. Adams, Madison Monroe, J. Q. Adams, and I got into the first few lines of the entry on Jackson. Oh I also read some of the entry about A. Johnson. After I read about Jefferson I started J. Adams because Jefferson was his Vice President. Then I just kept going. I though of going back to read about Washington but, for some unknown reason I just didn't feel like it. I won't say I was really into it. It was more like something different to do. For me it was more like reading a series of short stories written by different authors. I can't point them out by there were differences in the writing styles to some degree. I could be wrong but...
Saturday I spent until 18:00 or 19:00 working on TM_Notes, my program. Then I play with some computer stuff reading articles and such. Finally read about halfway through Jackson.
This is turning into something of a re-post blog lately. However, there are things I have been finding on the web that are truly important to and, indirectly about me.
Before I get into this, The stuff I downloaded this time. I should talk about my father. In my emotional mind he has gone from evil incarnate to benign like a tumor, not really harmful but in a lot cases it's not a bad idea to remove it. He was never loving or even paid any particular attention to us ninety percent of the time. Except to punish us. I don't really remember him being angry. It always seemed to be flat or rage with him, though I know this isn't true. My father could do the entire anger scale with no problems at all. I do know there was regular anger in there but, admittedly, part of me probably doesn't want to remember it. On top of all of this he made me his whipping boy. When he was angry I had to be invisible. If I did the smallest wrong thing I got beat, sometimes viciously. In the last half of the second grade I had to bring a note home from my teacher everyday saying how I had done in school that day. My brothers (both older) and sisters (both younger) figured out the whipping boy thing. So I could be easily blamed or blackmailed for, or into, all kinds of things. I'm not saying the others didn't get beat, they did. My father broke a BB gun over the younger of my brother's back one night because he had really hurt my oldest brother with it.
Sometime about when I turned seven I started to antagonize my father, not consciously but... I needed a way to get back at him. By the time I was seven and a half I was beginning to be conscious of my antagonization but, didn't/couldn't stop for some reason. He wasn't around most of the time he started to stay from home for longer periods then the divorce came through, otherwise I may have had to go to the hospital before much longer.
The few times I remember him being nice he was still detached. My brothers got electric race cars for Christmas one year. He helped them set it up and played with it for a while. My parents found a bike at the dump, he fixed it up and they gave it to me for my ninth birthday. Granted I'm bias but I still think it was my mother's idea.
My mother on the other hand I looked at as an angel. However she was also not there emotionally most of the time. She was the only person who was kind, comforting, and really cared for me. I spelt the names of the family the summer I turn four. She had to help me with Elizabeth because of the second e. She was really proud of me and had no trouble letting me know it. I don't think she gave me a hug but, hugs were rare. That same summer I fell on a cactus with my hands. She had company. Still she very carefully with "I'm sorry", "I know it hurts", and "Almost done" pulled them out, dried my tears, and let me sit with her until I got bored and ran off to play. This time I did get a hug and was told it was all better. These are on the high side of her emotions but they weren't really rare, with the understanding that emotionally she wasn't there unless something big happened.
While she would spank us to tears, it was when we had done something really wrong Usually we knew we were not supposed do something before she would spank us. Most of the time she would holler at us.
My parents got divorced when I was nine. If I knew what was happening I might have wanted a party. Even celebrated they anniversary every year for a while. After my father left my mother was still good to me but, even more distracted, detached. It was harder to figure out where I stood with her. As for discipline, my mother brought out the belt. Still she was nowhere near as bad my father but...
The following is from Dr. Dan Seigel
at http://www.psychalive.org/what-is-your-attachment-style/
(Editorial Comment: When or if I get permission from Dr. Seigel's web site I'll put the actual paragraphs in after the headings.)
This, while not exactly the case with my mother and I, it is close. My mother did not totally have Avoidant Attachment. However, she was definitely emotionally absent most of the time and, it got worse as I grew older. I didn't realize how much this effected me even after I knew and, accepted that she was emotionally abusive. These two paragraphs go a long way in explaining my introverted tendencies. Yet, the fact that I did get some positive attentive and feedback from my mother, while confusing things, allowed me to get some understanding of emotions. I can do better than on and off but, as I have said before, I still pretty much still work on a three point scale emotionally. A lot of that three point scale wasn't developed until after I started therapy at 29.
While my mother wasn't anywhere near as bad as my father she did punish us more often. Add to this her lack of emotional affection and Disorganized Attachment fits right into my life. I can remember when I was three screeching at the top of my lungs "you don't love you anymore" and at four again screeching at the top of my lungs "I don't love you anymore." After the divorce I did get the belt occasionally. While I'm not standing up for corporal punishment by any means. By this time I was acting out some of my anger. In a way I feel sorry for what I did yet, I became what I was because of my parents.
I've been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I didn't like reading it the first time. However, I don't have any problem believing it. I had a psychiatrist who wanted to say I had Borderline Personally Disorder. She was wrong and came to believe it but, to a certain degree I can understand why she thought it.
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