I didn't write anything last week so I'm going to fill this space with some of my stuff from expressive therapy, both pictures and writing. Some of these I'm just going to paste in scans of what I wrote or drew others need to be typed or I typed them when I wrote them. I'm not going to make any effort to put them in date order. In part because I can't with some of it and I don't want to. This is my toy and I'll do it my way *¿*.
The writing says:
Not contained but held in place and allowed to burn. No fuel needed, none taken away. To be kept at a distance from myself and others as needed.
I used to get really angry about almost anything. It's not all gone by any means but, I would say I have it under control as long as I don't stray to far from my current environment. The idea of the picture is the brown thing at the bottom is keeping the black and blue ball of anger floating in place. The anger is so intense it's creating the flames and this can not be allowed to touch the ground. The reason I added the “as needed." is because sometimes we should be angry and I know I shouldn't cut it out completely.
The smudge in the lower left corner is a tree growing on a rocky hill. I doodled in the corner of almost all of the pages while we were being given instructions and sometimes during the art making time and the discussion time.
a sense of validation
remove my blocks let some of the stuff
escape
it's far to easy to turn off
That man turned me into what I am. I'm trying to live with the pain, fear, and anxiety that floods my mind whenever I open up to what's inside of me.
I need to let some of this stuff out. This is What gets in the way whenever I let out any emotion. Why am I afraid of love and hate, afraid of being myself.
I want out, out of promises, out of the feeling of guilt. I need out of guilt, I need to feel that others can and do believe me and are willing to work with my raw emotions, and that I'm not looking for attention I need to be able to believe in others even when what they say hurts.
The man was my father I climbed between the tub and the wall wall one night. He didn't get me that night.
This one is from 2005-03-21 and in all honesty I can't tell you anything about it. Though I can tell you I enjoyed doing it. It was calming which was good because I couldn't do whatever the project was suppose to be.
For me a lot of drawing is texture how the pencil feels on the paper and the texture of the picture it's self. I think that that dark patch was meant to be something like a lava flow. It's not how I draw plants or water.
What's in the way of my emotional growth?
Some of the problem in never having learned that emotions are all about. And some of it is only having one place where I feel that it's alright to deal with my emotions.
When I do feel I tend to get "little", meaning, I tend to behave like a small child. There are some obvious draw backs to this but, it seems to be the only way I can stay in touch with what I'm feeling.
I know what difficulties this can present. However, I think that with the understanding that can come with knowing what I feel I will be able to? I will be able to stay grown up and feel my feelings and act appropriately with them. I lack the understanding of what I feel and the knowledge of how to act with my feelings.
Let go of the logical
Let go of the physical
The let go of logic makes a certain amount of sense to me since I tend to be overly cognitive. I think the let go of the physical means the physical world around me. I'm very hypervigilant and have ADD so I'm constantly doing, watching, and hearing. The only time I'm not in motion is when I read. Though I have been reading and thinking something entirely different at the same time. What I mean is while my eyes are scanning the page and I'm taking in the information a second part of my mind is talking to it's self.
To bring all of them together without blending. Being able to go from "Rage" to "Calm" without having to treat emotions as a color spectrum.
I keep splitting my cognitive from my emotional.
I split my emotions into individual parts or become anxious when I have more than one emotion.
I speak of cognitive and emotional states in the second or third person.
This is another anger thing. War in my head. Body burning up. Chain to keep me together.
Lost in space and time, not knowing what to do or where to be. Confusion setting in. Aahhh I don't know what to do. Why can't I just do this simple thing. I know what it is I need but, I'm lost in this stupid song.
So maybe I should just write the words down and see if I can find a direction to follow. No that's not the topic.
Okay so maybe I can just write what's going on in my head. That's it I can dialog about how hard it can be to think of the constructive tools I can use to help calm myself down.
Oh ho I think I've been doing what I'm trying to figure out...
I added this last one after I had decided to quite because it ends on a positive note. However, sometimes one of the quickest ways I get depressed is reading about what to do to get me better. I know what to do when I'm feeling bad but, I have a hard time doing it sometimes. Going through this stuff is kind of the same thing because it's trying to figure out what I'm going through and how to deal with it. So since it's starting to get to me I'm going to leave it where it is.
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