Week 44 - 2014-08-18 Mon.

It's been a while since I've written anything. Life got a little out of hand and I just haven't been able to get myself back to writing. As you can see I started to write something on Monday 2014-05-19 and Monday 2014-07-21. Since they didn't get published I'm going to put it in here.

2014-05-19 Mon.

Well It's Monday evening and again I haven't written anything in two weeks. So I'm lying here trying to think of something to say besides just griping about how busy life has been so far this year. It really hasn't slowed down much yet. I have to go out to Potomac tomorrow, a 40 mi. (64.37 km) round trip, because Pat might have another UTI (if so third time this year).

I'm going to see about helping out in the computer room where I live. I live in public housing for senior and disabled people. They have four computers and some people are trying to learn how to use them. I have no idea what if any help people might want, or if the city will let me do more than stand around and comment if wanted.

One thing has changed to maybe make my life easier, maybe. Pat has decided to stop seeing Jenny.

2014-07-21 Mon.

It's been close to two months since I've written anything. For the most part it's all been the same stuff over and over. It's still the same stuff now except that I'm sitting in Starbucks wasting time while the car is in the shop.

I was at the doctors (blood in my urine, not a big deal yet) and decided to stop by the shop to see about bringing the car in tomorrow. Well today was a better day so I'm here from 12:00 to 17:30 or so.

So what's been going on? Pat's had her fifth UTI (urinary track infection) since December. Food Stamp paper work is due on July 30th, Medicaid's due on September 30th. Jeanie hasn't had internet since mid June so she calls when she feels the need but, she can't be reached except by phone.

2014-08-05 Tue.

An unusual thing thing happened today. All I got in the mail was stuff I was waiting for and that I wanted. A two disc sci-fi mini-series and a pair of ten foot power/data cables for Andi the Android (my tablet).

I still haven't done anything about the blood in my urine. I need to find someone to pick me up at the hospital after they scope my urinary track. I can't catch a cab. Technically who ever it is is suppose to stay with me for something like twelve to twenty-four hours after I get home. (A real bother.) I don't know anyone who drives who I would want to ask. For someone who lives in a city I live a very secluded life. Though I did just think of someone who lives in my building who might no charge me too much to do it.

This is something like the forth or fifth time I have had blood in my urine in the past 12 years and nothing has come of it before. I really don't like doctors and hospitals.

I took care of the Food Stamps. Attach of my good bad luck. I was at the Food Stamp office for over four and a half hours (bad luck). After it was all said and done I ended up getting sixty more dollars a month because the last time I applied the person didn't bother to put in my rent (good luck). The person I talked to this time even let me go online so he could make a copy of my rent check to the Housing Authority to show that I paid rent. *¿*

Jeanie, my friend who lives in Chicago (I live in DC), finally got her internet, Saturday the 2nd. However, for the past two or three months she's has been distant. The yesterday I got a little upset with her about it. Last night she said she was going to Skype me early tonight. It's already 21:40 so I'm not holding my breath.

Now for what started this whole writing thing tonight. Ever three to five years since I started smoking (1980 I was 25) I run a spread sheet to see how much I'm smoking. This time I decided to keep (limited) track of what's going on during the day. Then I decided to assign colors to the days. Like a number scale. Anyway it looks like this.

The following, including the picture of the spreadsheet, has changed several times since I started this on Tuesday the 5th. It's not that I'm changing the context. It's all just straight facts, rare data like the spreadsheet. However, since I started writing this I've added a new stat to the spreadsheet, and written definitions for the “Stress Level”. When you get to the 2014-08-05 Tue. I have gone back to what I originally wrote.

The color words “Yellow”, “Orange 9”, etc. are only there for my reference, their the names OpenOffice uses for the colors. However, the “Stress”, “Withdrawn”, etc. are my attempt at number scales. A one to ten kind of thing. I don't do scales normally. Kind of they don't make sense to me. It's not quite a scale though.

These are created states. Consciously or not I don't want to go into a depressed state so I dissociate. If I go into it unconsciously I am able to tell that I'm dissociating if I really think about.

Forced Shutdown	Not dealing with life. Causes dissociated stress because it's no natural. I can feel this stress in a very detached way, If I think about it. However, it manifests it physically. I've been told by people in a PTSD Therapy Group that I can move my foot faster than anyone they have ever seen. Moving my foot drains off extra energy.
Shutdown	Dealing but as little as possible. Causes dissociated stress . . .

These are depressive states. These are anxiety rather than stress. For the most part though I can't tell the difference so they belong here too.

Very Depressed	This is one step before going in-patient. This hurts on a physical level. It is rare that I get here. I usually skip this stage because I don't see it coming.
Depressed	Mostly just sad. Talking about wanting to quit sometimes. Though not meaning it. This feels very different from “Forced Shutdown”. I can feel. There is no dissociation. Depending on how depressed I am it can hurt, with a physical pain.

This one is not necessarily depressed or at least I don't feel depressed. Though I my be clinically depressed. Meaning my eating and sleep are off.

Withdrawn

Dealing but as little as possible. This feels the same as “Shutdown” except that my foot doesn't move as much if at all.

These are active states. This means that though I am feeling stress I dealing with it. Dealing with it includes taking Xanax. Unless I take more Xanax than I'm willing to (like when it makes me feel tired), I will continue to feel the stress. I use Xanax to take the edge off.

Calm Active	This is what I imagine most people's normal is. It's a kind of up and down day. My foot stays flat. Life is good.
Active	Kind of normal at the lowest edge of stress. I feel stress when I pay attention. I may take a little Xanax preemptively. My foot starts going. This comes on when I write or program sometimes. Like now.
Active People	Same as “Active”, but with people around. Being around people almost always adds to my stress.
Active Stretching	Low level stress. The edge is building but not quite sharp yet. A little Xanax wouldn't hurt.
Stress	Things most people carry all day. I need down time. I should take some Xanax but, I often go without it.
Very Stressed	This takes serious down time or Xanax. (I've been told to take more Xanax see Fri. 2014-07-25 on the spreadsheet.)

Graphically, on a chart it all might look something like this. Though this is an over simplification.

	Anxiety	Stress
	Very Depressed
	Depressed	Forced Shutdown
	Withdrawn	Shutdown
Calm Active
	Active
	Active People
	Active Stretching
	Stress
	Very Stressed

In the notes ¼X means a quarter milligram of Xanax.

2014-08-05 Tue

.

I don't like taking Xanax. I use to drink a lot, six to twelve beers a day. Why replace alcohol with Xanax.

I knew it was self medication and told my doctors so. Finally a doctor heard me when I said, “If you give me something for the anxiety I'll quit drinking.” She gave me the Xanax and I quit drinking. Sort of, I like beer. Now, when I take my mother out for dinner, once or twice a week I have a beer. I perfectly happy not drinking more. I really don't like being drunk. Twenty years after the fact I'm finally beginning to loose my tolerance to alcohol.

So anyway I wasn't/am not interested in trading alcohol for Xanax. Besides I've gotten good at shutting down and/or dissociating. Not that dissociating is a good thing but, I've been dissociating physical pain so long I don't even know I do it anymore.

2014-08-18 Mon.

Well I feel pretty good about what I've put together so far. I was just thinking. What about fear and anger. That gets complicated though.

There are several parts to this exercise. In no particular order they are:

1. Keeping track of how much I'm actually smoking.
2. Maybe by keeping track I'll cut back some.
3. It helps me figure out different stress levels. Something I'm not very good at. The whole 1 to 10 scale thing.
4. Keeping track to some degree of what I do with my time.
5. Keeping track of how much Xanax I take.

Now to change the subject.

I was going over what I had written at the very top, the stuff in brown (editorial remarks). When I started to insert the following into it.

It just seems as if all I'm doing is complaining about the same things over and over again. Even when I'm writing about the good things in my life it's still the same things just different words.

I then decided that I should put it down here and elaborate on it.

Maybe it's that I expect too much from life. No that's not it. I don't mind having the same things happening all the time. In fact I kind of like the lack of change. It's that I don't like feeling like I live a boring life. Even if I do. Writing about the same stuff over and over gets to be too much.

It's like watching TV. At this point I don't watch TV. Though there are a few shows I follow on Netflix. I go through a season at a time, usually in a day. For some reason I don't get caught up in the formula of the show this way. Where as if I watch an episode a week it ends up being the same show every week with the names, places, things, or topics being changed. If it's a show with a continuous thread by watching a season at a time I don't have a problem following the thread.

Anyway I'm getting away from writing. Some of what I write is interesting. Even on a week to week basis. It's just that after a while it all begins to run together into the same thing over and over.

Maybe I should try and write it month to month and see if I like that better. The stream of though stuff will still be there but, I can edit out the repetition. I don't know we'll see. Some of the essay parts are good.

Week 29 - 2014-05-06 Tue.

Once again I didn't write any thing new so I'm doing another Expressive Therapy fill in.

2009-02-18

What to do, what part of my life. I keep thinking I should do something about when I was twelve. At least the last half of twelve. It was January 7th, 1968 that my life began (in a manner of speaking I was 12 and a half ), I started smoking pot. It was at a party my mother was having and some of her friends had come up stairs looking for somewhere out of the way.

While smoking pot at twelve isn't really a good thing, it lead to my missing most of the sixth grade. It also lead me to be exposed to some incredible people and ideas. The anti-war (Vietnam) movement, eastern religions, the concept of non-violent revolution, formed a large part of who I am today.

All of my friends were at least five years older than I was. They were real friends we could sit and talk for hours about just about anything. Sometimes the ones who were in college would talk about what they were studying, and a couple of times tell me they got helpful feedback from me. Some of my friends even got me to go back to school for a bit, though way too late for me to graduate to the seventh grade.

There was a psychologist (the court had sent to a psych. hospital for thirty day observation) who had written that he would have been tempted to leave me with my friends except for the drugs.

Over all I learned more about life in those six months than I have in almost any year or two since. I had all of my emotions, people I liked and people who liked and wanted to spend time with me.

2009-04-30

Suppose that while you sleep tonight a miracle happens and all of your problems are completely solved. How would your life be different.

If all of my problems just disappeared as if they had never been I guess I would be your average person. This is something I can't imagine what it would be like. I don't even know if I would be the same person in any way, computers, mechanics, locksmithing, etc. Would my world be as spatially oriented without having gone through all the hypervigilant behavior/necessity.

If all of my problems were gone and I still remembered having had them, I think it would still take a while before I'd be able to live a "normal/healthy" life. Habit, if nothing else, would make it difficult to adjust. For instance, Would I still get pissed off (or how pissed off would I get) when people acted brainless (though you may never know it I'm not very tolerant of people who don't think), or inconsiderate to some extent being angry about this kind of thing is a "normal/healthy" reaction.

On the other hand it would really be strange if I were able to just shake my head and forget about it as if nothing had happened. In essence it would be like losing a part of myself that in a way I have become comfortable about, not with.

I know I'd be able to go back to school, or just go out an get a job and not worry about freaking out under pressure. I'd be able to deal with hurtful situations easier. I'm not entirely sure I would become much more social. I would have less/no social anxiety anymore, I would be more comfortable meeting new people, this would be nice. However, I think a certain amount of my solitude is part of my natural make-up.

2009-05-04

	Where I am now	One step in between	Where I want to be
Physical	Not in bad shape though I would like to lose 40 lbs.	Ride my bicycle.	About 180 lbs.
Social	Become a little more social, other than ACA.	Go out and do things, is the obvious answer. However, I really don't like going out, being around other people. This would require that I get over my whole intolerance thing, and straighten out my emotional life.	Have a few people to hang out with from time to time.
Intellectual	I'm basically happy with the way things are.
Emotional	I have trouble knowing what my emotions are, and trouble dealing with them even if I do know what they are.	Basically just try to stay with them as they come along, and asking for help figuring out how I should respond to/with them..	I'm not sure what this would look like. All I know is it would be nice if I could stop being so freaked out by and/or freaking out people.
Vocational	I would like to learn more about programming.	Go to School.	Able to write software applications.
Spiritual	I'm basically happy with the way things are.

2009-05-13

Mask Making / Authentic self
Outside	Inside
- Perception others have of you. - The self you portray to others.	- Perception you have of yourself. - What goes on inside? Thoughts, feelings you may hide from others.
Basically I think most people, when they first meet me, see me as a person who is fairly intelligent and talented at art, computers, and a verity of mechanical trades.  Easy going and friendly in most social setting. After a while they often come to the decision that I'm strange. At first this is because of my belief systems (social, spiritual, etc) aren't main stream.  Then they begin to see my emotional self isn't "quite right". Overall though most people seem to like me. * * * * * I try to present myself as who and what I am. I don't push the PTSD stuff, but I'm open about it. Once I feel comfortable being around someone I'll gladly talk about it. While I'm not my diagnoses, my diagnoses is part of who I am.	I try to see myself as what I am.  Somehow I don't seem to see myself as having problems with my self-worth.  I don't mean to say that I don't have any problems with self-worth/self-esteem, it's that I don't see them as such.  I know when I get to that place where I'm beating myself up and such, it's the sickness.  It's the sickness that was created in my brain because of the environment I grew up in.  While I may have been the one who figured out and put in to place the strange coping mechanisms.  I had no choice. It was either use what I had or truly go insane. While I have certainly changed some things about myself over the years.  I can't take any more credit for the need of the coping skills I've used than I can for my creation. * * * * * I often feel as if I have no idea of what's going on inside of me.  Most of the time I can tell you, to some degree, what I'm thinking or feeling in the moment, but sometimes as little as five minutes later I'll have no idea of what my emotional state was. So basically I'll tell anyone anything they can think of to ask about.   However there are some thoughts, feelings, and/or actions I have done that will die with me and me alone.

2009-05-20

Things you are in control of (and how it feels).

Physical pain - it makes life a lot easier to live with sometimes.

Allowing myself to feel my emotions, in a way - This is a two edged sword, on the one hand turning off my feelings can allow me to function in an emergency, on the other hand it becomes too easy to turn them off when I hurt.

My life style, and my beliefs - It's nice to know that I can live my life the way I want with out my past controlling how I live now.  This is not to say that my past has not influenced my life style or my beliefs.  Though most of the time I know what it's like to be treated badly, so I end up doing the opposite of how I was raised.

To some extent my habits and addictions - Such as I am now able to have a beer without having to have five or twelve more, like I used to.  Smoking I have decided to keep this for the time being, but if the last time I quit is any indication I should be able to quit when I'm more stable.  It helps with my anxiety and I use it like any other drug/medication.

To some extent my thought processes - I know that I can talk myself into feeling bad.   Though I admit talking myself into feeling better is a lot more difficult.   This is the one thing that can make me stop the spiraling when I remember to use it early enough.

Things you are not in control of (and how it feels).

The feeling of insanity I get when I start obsessing over feeling bad or external events I have no control of - This I would gladly let go of.  It's the number one thing that will send me spiraling down.

My startle response - this can cause me to get depressed even if I feeling good.

Suicidal ideation - I don't know the causes or triggers sometimes, I feel as if these thoughts have a life of their own.  I can, sometimes, stop them but only after the fact.

Hypervigilance - I wouldn't mind this one if I could turn it off sometimes.

Anxiety -

2009-06-25

Three things I like about myself

1     I like that I'm beginning to be able to catch myself when I start to fall off the edge into the depression pit.

For example during group. While people were talking about separating from family, I started to just wish Pat would die. Witch is guaranteed to knock me off the edge, and it did. However this time once I realized I was going into the kill myself place I did it different. I went to the store and got a bottle of tea and a apple-fritter. I'm don't really think my sugar was low, but it made me happier once I got into it.

2     I like that I'm a survivor.

I'm not saying I wanted to be one of course, but since I'm here I might as well try to deal with all of the crap that made me a survivor. Sometime in the late '80s or early '90s I had started to say that I was convicted to life.  By doing this I set myself on the road to recovery (as the 12 step programs say).  This work is so hard sometimes, I believe it takes a survivor to do it.   Being a survivor allowed me to stay in my skin, during group, long enough to do things differently, rather than staying and falling further in to the dark.

3     I like that I'm smart, to me this includes intelligence, common sense, and wisdom (worldly knowledge).

Being smart gives me the ability to process and accept or deny things I hear that are suggested as being part, or not, of me.  Which today meant processing things that I've heard and use it to bring me back from the crazy place.  Two weeks ago I realized that most of the guilt/shame that I have comes from my childhood, comes from Pat.

2009-06-29

My sense of my emotional state is totally messed up right now, and I'm not sure if I can break it down.

The first thing that comes to mind is emptiness.  However, as soon as I think of this I begin to feel depressed.  Though in part I know that some of the depression is because it's impossible to have no emotions.  So I feel bad because I can't figure out what I'm feeling.  A kind of circular logic in a way.  When I get into this state of emptiness and depression I then start to get anxious I want to run away and hide, and trying to write about it makes it that much harder to sit with.

I often feel this way in ET.  It often feels like a lie if I push myself to do follow a given task.  So I end up trying to do something that feels right (feels to be where I'm at).  Following the given task in some way if possible.

Some times I wish I weren't a survivor.   I don't mean this is the sense of not having gone through the trauma, but rather in the sense of not being able to keep myself going, keep myself alive. I can and will live through this feeling of emptiness, depression, and anxiety.  I want to just break down and cry.  To disappear into my books or my computer. To runaway and hide. To give up and die. I can't though.

I can't stop trying to go on.  Sometimes this is only because I have given people my word.  And in all honesty sometimes because I do believe that I can change my life despite what was done to me as a child.  Though sometimes, even when I feel the hell I have to live with, sometimes I can still have hope of my own.

2009-07-08

For me perfect is feeling connected to the universe, to everything.  This connection comes when it does.  I'm not saying that I have absolutely no part in when it comes.   I've never felt connected when I'm not free of quote unquote negative feelings, anger, depression and such. Most often I have been in the country or at the beach.  Rarely when I'm with other people, not to be confused with around other people.  Being around others becomes too distracting, unless they are also also just being.  A strange thing about feeling connected is that it's not effected by recreational drugs.  Meaning I have felt connected while doing a variety of different drugs and alcohol, and when not doing any of them.

The easiest way for me to describe it is:

One day, (in the mid '80s) I was riding a motorcycle out near Harpers Ferry and kind of all of a sudden I realized I was in a bliss like state.  My body felt as if God had touched me and taken away all of my pains (there were quite a few of them).  My senses were fully open I could feel, see, hear, taste and smell (this doesn't happen very often) everything going on around me.  I was aware of little pebbles I road over.  I became aware of a hawk that was circling at about 50 feet high to my left.  I could smell and taste the air.  It was almost a feeling of not being able to do anything wrong, but very different.  Maybe more like there was no wrong.  If I believed in god as a conscious entity I would say god had come to me and made my world perfect for a short time.

Week 28 - 2014-04-27 Sun.

2014-04-27 Sun.

When we, people in general, are young we need a stable environment. From birth to roughly five or six life is nothing but change from a child’s perspective. We are learning constantly at a very accelerated pace or maybe it’s that out learning slows as we age. Parental attention, supervision, and rules change with age. We need constants to balance these thing out.

My mother was emotionally absent most of the time, this is change/ inconsistency. My father was never there emotionally and his moods went from neutral to bad, at least when it came to me. Fortunately he wasn’t around most of the time, though this is another change/inconsistency.

When I was 18 I had lived in eighteen different places in Maine Mass., Fla., NH, Indiana, and DC. From 6 to 15 I had lived in eight different places and I lived in one of them for two years. Even military kids don’t move that often and when they move they still have the military.

For trauma people who lived in one place through their childhood the inconsistencies and insanity of home life versus life outside the home are enough to create the same effect. We, people, are born with a need for stability and safety.

So ask yourself Why Change. I’m no longer in that environment. I live very well for my needs on disability. My environment is very stable. I need to change Cause He Almost Never Got Enough.

I got enough to keep me alive. My mother gave me enough love that I know what love is. Though she is one of two people in my life now that I could say I really love. My friend, yes one real friend, lives in Chicago. We met when I was 16 and she moved away when I was 27. I’m now 58 and we have managed to stay in touch all of this time. When she left we probably wouldn’t have said we loved each other, now we do.

I need more people in my life but, that requires change. Change I know I need but, I still fight unconsciously. The only real attachments I have are my mother, my friend, my therapist, and my computers. That order is always changing, another thing I need to change.

Week 27 - 2014-04-22 Tue.

I didn't write anything last week so I'm going to fill this space with some of my stuff from expressive therapy, both pictures and writing.  Some of these I'm just going to paste in scans of what I wrote or drew others need to be typed or I typed them when I wrote them.  I'm not going to make any effort to put them in date order.  In part because I can't with some of it and I don't want to.  This is my toy and I'll do it my way *¿*.

---

The writing says:

Not contained but held in place and allowed to burn.  No fuel needed, none taken away.  To be kept at a distance from myself and others as needed.

I used to get really angry about almost anything.  It's not all gone by any means but, I would say I have it under control as long as I don't stray to far from my current environment.  The idea of the picture is the brown thing at the bottom is keeping the black and blue ball of anger floating in place.  The anger is so intense it's creating the flames and this can not be allowed to touch the ground. The reason I added the “as needed." is because sometimes we should be angry and I know I shouldn't cut it out completely. The smudge in the lower left corner is a tree growing on a rocky hill. I doodled in the corner of almost all of the pages while we were being given instructions and sometimes during the art making time and the discussion time.

---

a sense of validation

remove my blocks let some of the stuff

escape

it's far to easy to turn off

That man turned me into what I am. I'm trying to live with the pain, fear, and anxiety that floods my mind whenever I open up to what's inside of me.

I need to let some of this stuff out. This is What gets in the way whenever I let out any emotion. Why am I afraid of love and hate, afraid of being myself.

I want out, out of promises, out of the feeling of guilt. I need out of guilt, I need to feel that others can and do believe me and are willing to work with my raw emotions, and that I'm not looking for attention I need to be able to believe in others even when what they say hurts.

The man was my father I climbed between the tub and the wall wall one night. He didn't get me that night.

---

This one is from 2005-03-21 and in all honesty I can't tell you anything about it. Though I can tell you I enjoyed doing it. It was calming which was good because I couldn't do whatever the project was suppose to be.

For me a lot of drawing is texture how the pencil feels on the paper and the texture of the picture it's self. I think that that dark patch was meant to be something like a lava flow. It's not how I draw plants or water.

---

What's in the way of my emotional growth?

Some of the problem in never having learned that emotions are all about. And some of it is only having one place where I feel that it's alright to deal with my emotions.

When I do feel I tend to get "little", meaning, I tend to behave like a small child. There are some obvious draw backs to this but, it seems to be the only way I can stay in touch with what I'm feeling.

I know what difficulties this can present. However, I think that with the understanding that can come with knowing what I feel I will be able to? I will be able to stay grown up and feel my feelings and act appropriately with them. I lack the understanding of what I feel and the knowledge of how to act with my feelings.

Let go of the logical

Let go of the physical

The let go of logic makes a certain amount of sense to me since I tend to be overly cognitive. I think the let go of the physical means the physical world around me. I'm very hypervigilant and have ADD so I'm constantly doing, watching, and hearing. The only time I'm not in motion is when I read. Though I have been reading and thinking something entirely different at the same time. What I mean is while my eyes are scanning the page and I'm taking in the information a second part of my mind is talking to it's self.

---

To bring all of them together without blending. Being able to go from "Rage" to "Calm" without having to treat emotions as a color spectrum.

---

I keep splitting my cognitive from my emotional.

I split my emotions into individual parts or become anxious when I have more than one emotion.

I speak of cognitive and emotional states in the second or third person.

---

This is another anger thing. War in my head. Body burning up. Chain to keep me together.

---

      Lost in space and time, not knowing what to do or where to be. Confusion setting in. Aahhh I don't know what to do. Why can't I just do this simple thing. I know what it is I need but, I'm lost in this stupid song.

      So maybe I should just write the words down and see if I can find a direction to follow. No that's not the topic.

      Okay so maybe I can just write what's going on in my head. That's it I can dialog about how hard it can be to think of the constructive tools I can use to help calm myself down.

      Oh ho I think I've been doing what I'm trying to figure out...

---

I added this last one after I had decided to quite because it ends on a positive note. However, sometimes one of the quickest ways I get depressed is reading about what to do to get me better. I know what to do when I'm feeling bad but, I have a hard time doing it sometimes. Going through this stuff is kind of the same thing because it's trying to figure out what I'm going through and how to deal with it. So since it's starting to get to me I'm going to leave it where it is.

Week 26 - 2014-04-15 Tue.

2014-04-15 Tue.

Well I just erased the first quarter of a page not thinking of what I was doing. The first step of my three steps. Pay attention! Oh well. so what had I written? I don't really know enough to replicate it but I run it down.

I'm still in my not funk. Some of this is because I have to put in extensions for Pat's taxes again for the third year in a row. My own fault for not telling TIAA-CREF that Pat moved to Maryland. No beating myself over the head for this one.

I'm still watching a lot of video for all of me.

Though comedy to a very large extent is something I just don't understand. I get jokes, even understand funny real life stories. It's probably that I don't understand making TV shows or movies about such things. Though I do laugh at a lot of the humor the whole thing leaves me kind of hollow.

I think in part I started writing through a bit of guilt over not writing at all over the past week. And the week when Jeanne wasn't here on Friday. I basically did Pat's taxes (and finished them) on Friday to take my mind off of the fact that Jeanne wasn't here. Not necessarily the best tactic I suppose but it works for me. I guess adding it all together makes it easier to deal with than spreading it out.

I'm sure that having to deal with Pat's taxes is part of the reason I haven't gotten over the funk yet also.

So now I covered everything I erased and some, and I have about the same amount of text as I did before.

On Saturday someone on Trauma and Dissociation (Google+ Community) wrote, "I am feeling disoriented today." To which I replied. "What I do is take the day off as much as possible. Remember it's not procrastination in this case if you need the space." This is one of those things I figured out, or at reasoned to be true a long time ago.

This is the twenty-sixth week, I've been writing for half a year for the second time in my life. *¿*

Week 25 - 2014-04-08 Tue.

2014-04-08 Tue.

This is the third time I started to write this week. I still don't know what to write. I've been in a weird state of mind. Not bad just different. I think I could be considered to be in a kind of mental state of shock. I've been watching a bunch of different kinds of video for many hours hours every since last Thursday. Maybe that should even be last Wednesday. I think that finally getting off the list for Jury Duty has a lot to do with it.

Maybe I'm still in a depressed state but in a depersonalized way. My sleep and eating is still off but, I don't feel it. In retrospect even some of my good feeling on Thursday may have been hysterical. I'm not sure I can tell. I don't/haven't felt bummed out.

On Friday I told Jeanie I was taking the day off. She laugh, meaning this was kind of silly/stupid since I take every day off. This isn't the same thing to her as it is to me. Though she did notice I was feeling better. I do work most days. Just not what most people call work. It is hard work to be me, almost every day, just to be here.

Some days I think to myself, "I could go to work, I could be a Hack." that's cabby to most people. Then I say "Right! How long would I last before I quit or got canned either because of customer complaints about my driving my driving, or from my lack of driving." I really don't have any idea which would come first. I might (maybe) be able to go a week without having to take time off. As for my driving. I can't drive slow, at 25 mph I feel like I could walk faster. I get other ideas for getting a job and while the results of my success at keeping them have a longer time frame they never seem to last longer than six months. I can't imagine ever having a job for a year again.

So what do I do that I think of as work? The most obvious thing I do that others would think of as work is programming. In truth I do very little of this. While I have thought about my TM_Notes program fairly often since I last worked on it I haven't done any work on it since January. If I could get myself to write what I think about any number of things, social, psychological, political, money, software, hardware and others, I could possibly make some money at them. (I'm too much of a perfectionist.) I play with software though most of my reviews wouldn't make it into a magazine because I don't go into great depth. I write about what the avarage user might use and I tend to go off an tangents about some issues about particular parts while all but ignoring others. Also I write like I talk. While this is novel and to some refreshing, it's not what I see when I read these kind of things. Though my lack of or explanation of tech talk could be seen as a real plus. I'd like to get some feed back on this sometime from someone other than a therapist or close friend.

I keep myself busy reading and watching video. I have no idea of what others think of what I have to say bout these. My step father, who was a well known writer, was book critic for a while. He brought home a book one time that I read. I later told him I thought it was a really good 150 page novel written in 300 pages. This is not to say that I didn't like the book I did. However, you could tell the writer was getting paid by the word. My step father agreed with me, though he would never have said so in print. He has also agreed with me on other comments I have made about these things he has written about. He also liked my tech writing. So I have some bases for thinking I have a little talent in these areas.

I make, or think of things to make. All likes of things. An umbrella I strapped to my back so I could read while walking in the rain. I've never seen any but there are five patents on the idea. I modified a crutch to hold my umbrella while not in use. (I prefer a crutch to a cane.) I also made a couple of bags to hang on my crutch. One of which was three layers thick the middle lining was plastic so the contents didn't get wet in the rain. I invented a frame work for winterizing old windows. Even a set of macramé straps to hook my big cup to my backpack strap so I wouldn't have to carry it in my hand.

Other than this I think a lot. Sometimes I think too much on things I shouldn't. Everyone does, sometimes though. So I don't go too hard on myself most of the time.

I've been following an interesting thread on line.

Nem Changsan

Extended circles - Apr 6, 2014

Liv Laffluve originally shared:

16 comments

James L. Smith

Apr 6, 2014

The West looks at Depression as an illness. The Freinch call is misery normale. In the east they think it's something to learn from and move through, nothing is permanent. I've even heard depression called "Pride in Reverse". Many thanks.

Nem Changsan

Apr 6, 2014

+James L. Smith WOW...that's the coolest thing i learn today. Many thanks for the input James :)

James L. Smith

Apr 6, 2014

Wordup homegirl. Ha ha ha. Have too much fun.

Simran Mann

Apr 6, 2014

Like the post very much :)

Vish Thakur

Apr 6, 2014

Good post.

graeme russell ellis

Apr 6, 2014

At least some people realize it exists :)

Robin E. Douglas

Apr 6, 2014

+graeme russell ellis rather than realizing Depression exists. I think most people don't want to realize or deal with depression. Because it can be such a heavy burden.

James L. Smith

Yesterday 2:18 AM

I'm depressed right now. I can't be bothered with anything. I'm just checking out the comments. I can't cope with people or music or t.v. or any stimulus at all. All I can do is wait for it to pass and, it eventually will. Many thanks.

graeme russell ellis

Yesterday 3:47 AM

+James L. Smith I hear ya I dont watch tv for that very reason .......it will pass man

James L. Smith

Yesterday 3:51 AM

+graeme russell ellis thanks

It's already improving. Your comment came at just the right time. God bless you man, James.

graeme russell ellis

Yesterday 8:39 AM

+James L. Smith we share the black dog man I understand am afflicted too !

James L. Smith

Yesterday 8:45 AM

+graeme russell ellis wordup brother.

Robin E. Douglas

Yesterday 10:23 AM

+James L. Smith I to carry this burden alone all to often.

James L. Smith

Yesterday 10:28 AM

We all do. Don't bother trying to cure it. Just be still and let it pass. When you find peace in depression your released from it. It's objective is to have you alone, in the Foeatel (fetal?) position, crying, talking to no one. Don't let it win. Bless. James.

graeme russell ellis

Yesterday 5:10 PM

+James L. Smith so true if you accept it ......better in the end........everyday have a level of it nothing can do just move forward.......some days are worse than others

Nem Changsan

3:05 AM

Oooh looks like i miss a party :(

Robin E. Douglas

9:55 AM

+Nem Changsan you've missed a non-pity party. +James L. Smith I go for this also, to a point. Depression will suck away my outer awareness. This can be dangerous. It's also Very weird as I have a bad case of hypervigilance. I do watch these things but there are times I do have to go out.

This is an interesting take on depression.

To think I started this because I was feeling bad about not writing this week and I wrote a whole page without even trying. Guess it just shows what you can do when you don't think about it.

I found this great thing on the Trauma and Dissociation Project Google+ page.

Kallena Kucers

5:53 AM

OK - can't resist sharing this (though it's not 'formal research') I LOVE it as it's both hysterically funny and also (in my view!) very very accurate (George Atwood is a well-known theorist, writer and clinician and one of the people who have contributed most to the development of inter-subjective systems theory. Apparently this came to him in a dream):

http://www.georgeatwood.com/men-on-hooks.html

It is well worth the read.  Funny!

I haven't been on Google+ very much this past week. Enough too take care of my e-mail kinds of things but, not hunting through other stuff as much. Though I did copy a forty-four page thread on DID. That was a lot of work because of the way it copied. I haven't read it all yet. it's very technical and a bit depressing. The reason for copying it as I said in the thread:

Robin E. Douglas

Apr 3, 2014

Hi all, I've been following this thread off and on. I have made a copy of it for myself so I can really read it and I thought some of you might like a copy.

I'm not DID but I definitely dissociate. For me it's more like there are three of us who are totally co-conscious. Sometimes it's almost like there is a fourth who comes out two or three times an years and freaks out sending my stress levels through the ceiling.

Anyway, reading this stuff helps me understand myself better. I'm going to keep coping it for myself. As it is I have 43 pages which could take me several days to get through.

Actually I've only read the first seven or eight pages. I'll finish it though.

I'm running out of things to say. Bye bye.