Week 13 - 2014-01-07 Tue.

Post dated. 2014-01-07 Tue.

Today is the seventh and it's 2:00PM 7 X 2 = 14 it's 14:00. Not as rare as 02-07-14 it's only a onetime thing, but still good. (Editorial Comment: On December 31st I had told Jeanne it was too bad her Jungian seminar was on Friday the 7th of February.)

Jeanne was interested in this, Heinlein, Robert A. - The Door into Summer.txt

2014-01-03 Fri.

I haven't written since last year, Tuesday the 31st *¿*. I don't know why but, I have to do that at least once a year. Kind of like a compulsion. I guess it's just Little letting us know I'm all here.

Anyway, I haven't been writing here, Test, because I got a free copy of Visual Basic (VB) 2010 Express from Microsoft. I could have gotten VB 2013 but it's an ugly interface really ugly. It's a big brother to Small Basic. I didn't really try using it until last night. Microsoft actually made it easier in some ways, maybe a lot of ways. So I've now written/rewritten Take Meds three times, the first in VB 3, then Small Basic, lastly VB 2010 (also called VB.net 2010). I might try to get it to do other things as I go along. The first version had a lot of stuff I was trying to add, but never got working. I can still play with it but, it's not worth the effort because I can't run it on Windows 8. Why develop something that’s not even backwards compatible on my newest box.

I hate waiting. The Win 8 box is updating and my pizza is in the oven. I don't want to take my pills until after I've eaten and I can't program. Not that this is last place to go but, I guess I'll write for a little bit. Not that I know what to say.

At Jeanne's today we talked about how Little likes to program. Little can't program, Little's not smart enough but, Little likes programming. When I finally get past the mental blocks, I have my own internal cheering squad. I know, most people have this but, it doesn't seem as if it happen as often with me. Maybe it's part of that low self-esteem thing people are always telling me about. Little and I do stuff together fairly often. Sometimes, a lot of times, I'm not really sure we're all here but usually Little is here to some extent. Even having sex. I don't need to have Little out in the open but, Little is there. I'm not sure if this is right but I believe Little is more than my emotions. I think that my creativity is also tied in with Little and, thus my emotions. Whether this is a Little/Big thing, a unique to me thing or, a normal-healthy people thing I have no idea.

I'm getting tired of talking about Little without gender. To me Little is, and always has been, a girl, hence one of the reasons I think I should have been born a woman. Granted when kids are still three years old it can sometimes be difficult to tell their age, especially from just a voice. However, at least to my own, granted bias, ears Little sounds like a girl. So I'll do the best I can to keep things straight but... Little is female so from now on I'm going to talk about Little as female. Besides I spell my name Bobbie which is the feminine spelling. Unless I'm some place where I'll take a lot of shit for it.

Back to the self-esteem thing. I think my self-esteem is fine but, how can you have good self-esteem without a good emotional connection. Rather than saying "I have low self-esteem." I think of it as "I'm highly insecure," at least when I'm Little.

When I was about twenty-six or twenty-seven my sister Jennie, George her husband, Marian and I went up to Cape Cod. We stopped to see my father, he asked me “don't you have any self-respect.” Because I popped my zits. Well zits can be uncomfortable and, are just a general pain. So I popped them and they went away. Most of the time it wasn't a big deal you couldn't even tell I had done it after five minutes or so, after the red puffed up skin get back to normal. This though wasn't a matter of self-esteem, self-respect, or anything of the kind. It was that I made myself feel better and didn't give a damn what other people thought.

Self-esteem according to WordWeb Dictionary is "A feeling of pride in yourself." While I don't think it's a big deal when I fix computer problems I know It's special to others that I can. By special I mean it's not something everyone can do. I have talent and value to others. This makes me happy. Am I happy within myself? This I can't answer. Hell I'm more worried, afraid being narcissistic than I am of having low self-esteem. Today I told Jeanne I was lazy if you use the right definition. “A lazy person does it right the first time, or they don't do it at all.” (The first part is Robert A. Heinlein the last is mine.) Well I'm not entirely lazy because I keep trying to program and, I don't really know what I'm doing. So I can't do it right the first time but I keep trying anyway. I like challenges, I like to try things. A indication of self-esteem? Just the fact that I'm still here means I think my life's worth trying. That and I know at least two people wouldn't know what to do if I died, it's quite a self worth builder. While, the fact that I do care about others first could, and often is considered to be co-dependent and a sign of low self-esteem. It is also selfless and, as long as one is not willing to have their lives run by or, be hurt by others being selflessness can also virtuous.

2014-01-05 Sun.

Alright it's official I'm once again into Visual Basic programming. For the time being I'm going to try and, keep to to reasonable limit. So hopefully I won't burn out to quickly. Though yesterday I did go a little overboard, however. I spent a lot of time on-line looking up resources and such. Of course since I was on-line I also got lost for extended periods of time on all kinds of tangents. The searching and investigating resources continued today. I did notice that even though I spent 90% of the day at the computer, nothing new there, I only spent half of it really dealing with programming. Not bad considering my how I have always done it in the past.

Yesterday Social Security deposited $314.70 into my bank account. So after paying Pat back for the $150.00 I took for MyCloud and buying a lifetime membership to a how to program site, some of my research, I still have over $1,000.00 in the bank.

Well it's tomorrow by twenty-three minutes so, nighty night. *¿* that works as well thumb typing as it does on a real keyboard.

2014-01-06 Mon.

Pat went too the hospital today. When I left all they had found was a UTI. Her breathing sounded a little wet, like she had something she wanted spit up, rather than labored. She probably has a bad cold or something. I doubt it's the flu or pneumonia, though they say she pasted out while sitting at the table where she lives.

2014-01-07 Tue.

I don't really have much to say this morning. Though I'm really surprised at the temperature outside. Below 10° is cold even by my standards, though you might not know it to see me outside. I'll even wear a scarf today. The past day or so I've been a little under the weather, a runny nose but, I getting better now.

My Take Meds program has gotten bigger and been renamed to what it was before TM_Notes. I've included a picture showing what it looks like with the calendar showing. Basically the big difference from the Small Basic version is you can type directly to the text area.
 

Other features include:

• It opens with the text area locked. Mainly because I like it this way and, it's also the only way I've figured out how to tell if you have edited the text.
• It opens and saves to the same text file TM_Notes.txt. If the file doesn't exist it will be created.
The calendar other then than being a nice reference can also enter a date or, a
• range of dates, in your computers short date format, i.e. 2014-01-07, on my computer.
• If you click close after activating the text area you get a pop-up message box asking if you want to save any changes. If you click No everything closes, if you click Yes the message box closes and the program waits for you to click Save then Close.

Eventually I'll make it so you can change the Take Drug and vitamins to what ever you want it to say. Oh, the menu doesn't work yet but that's only because I haven't gotten there yet. The main reason for the menu is so you can tell the calendar whether you want to enter a single date or a range of dates. The other three menu options will effectively be buttons. The main reason for a menu is I think it looks nicer/cleaner than the buttons.

Back to therapy stuff. Except I don't want to do therapy stuff right now. There seems to be something there but when I look for it I start to get anxious. Either it's something that doesn't want to come out right now or, I'm pushing to hard and it's nothing at all.

Let's get back to the self-esteem thing. I was editing last Fridays stuff for grammar and spelling. I did in fact add the following but, decided not to leave it where it was because that would've changed the content.

By the way, this is not to say I think I have anywhere near the best self-esteem. My self-esteem is probably a little low of average but still normal.

Part of what is bothering me I think, is maybe I don't really understand what self-esteem means. Maybe I do have low self-esteem. However, from what I've read I think my take on it is right. I think the only reason it bothers me so much is I don't “feel” it's right to say I have low self-esteem. I've gone through this with other diagnosis's, like bi-polar boy that one really got me. I know low self-esteem isn't a diagnosis but, it's kind of in the same family.

Time to get ready so, So long 'til next time folks.

Week 12 - 2013-12-20 Fri.

2013-12-20 Fri.

Well no Jeanne until January. I came home and started to play but, I had to lie down for a while, that not old enough to be getting old thing. While I had six and a half hours of sleep last night, it didn't really make up for the lack of sleep Sunday and Wednesday. I'm laying down right now teaching myself to thumb type. I just, kinda, cheated and made the keyboard sixty-five percent of the screen height.

What really bothers me about Jeanne being gone is, while I've been at this for a some time now I'm feeling more than I'm use to. It's not like I've never been here before, it's more that I have and, I don't want it to be like it was before. To some degree it's an object constancy thing. Just because Jeanne isn't here doesn't mean I have to forget to have feelings or, rather that I have feelings, which is kind of like it use to be. You weren't here, I forgot about you until you were again. It was the only way I could deal with it and, what happened with Karin (yes that's the right spelling) was a big set back. Once bitten twice shy, gets kind of meaning less after a while. I've been bitten so many times, if I think about it to much I don't want to go outside anymore.

This thumb typing thing is going to take me a while, I've been at this for almost an hour straight and this is all I have to show for it. Oh well, I can't complain I'm still laying down after all. Practice make perfect, to bad I'm a bad practicer. Hey, I'm a bad speller too but, I keep writing. Actually this would be a lot easier if I took this thing out of the case. So since I just thought about it I did and I was right. I can rock it back and forth between my hands and reach all of the keys easier. It'd be better if my fingers were proportional to the size of my palms. Though I'd have some damn big hands, I'd be able to pick up a basketball with one hand. Pretty neat huh.

I just thought to use my old case but, I had to pop it apart to get it to work. I kept hitting the power button before. I must be more out of it than I thought, all I had to do was flip the thing around so that the buttons are on top. Well no harm done it's easy to pop the case back together again.

I'm going to go play for a while.

2013-12-21 Sat.

Well it's been a year since the end of the Mayan long calendar and we're still here, maybe I should wait for tomorrow.

Well I got plenty of sleep last night. I fell out sometime around 21:00 or 22:00, woke up at 3:30 and fell out again by 4:30 and, woke up at 7:30. Lets see that's a minimum of eight and a half hours, not bad. I might even be back on a more or less regular schedule now.

Yesterday I bought WordWeb Pro, the computer dictionary I use, with Windows for $19.00. Now my bank account is down to $252.88, I haven't bought groceries yet. However, I haven't spent $250.00 on groceries in a month since I moved here eight and a half years ago. Gee if I can hang on ten more days I'll start January with $160.88 more that I did November, which was before Medicaid messed up my paper work. That's not going to happen though, I have only one unopened jar of peanut butter on the shelf and I can get it for $7.07 until Tuesday. Still I'll start off the month with with a full larder and probably three plus cartons of cigarettes. Not bad at all. Though it looks like I'm going to lose the Medicare money in January also, so my check will be short $104.90.

The Feds lie, by the way, as if everybody didn't know that all ready. Social Security says I getting a 1.5% pay increase this year. Now it does work out their numbers are right only close because hey round down to the nearest dollar. Here you go:

$871.00   2013 monthly check

x  1.5    Percent

$884.065  Which in the normal world would be $884.07 but we'll round down so

$884.06

$884.06  What my 2014 monthly check should be.

-104.90  Medicare

$779.16  Should be my monthly check

My monthly check will be:

$883.90  2014 Monthly check $0.19 less than it should be

-104.90  Medicare

$779.00  I will receive per month, short 16¢ a month which is $1.92 a year

Social Security is not going to give me the $0.90 from the $883.90, because they round down to the nearest dollar. So I'll lose $1.06 a month and $12.72 a year.

Social Security said in November 2013 they paid roughly 8,941,000 disabled workers benefits averaging $1129.65 a month. They pay out $10,100,200,650 to disabled workers and, based on my numbers, saved $9,477,460 last month from those workers. They saved over .09% of what they paid out last month, because of the way they do math. While .09% sounds small $9 million is still a lot of money. I'd rather they gave me my $1.06 or even my $0.16 every month.

Everything you need to know about Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid in a nut shell for 2013: Except how to figure out how much you get.

Not that figuring out how much you get is so hard, it's just not relevant to me at this point.

Social Security taxes collected in 2013 through December 21, 2013 $736,337,787,623.43. They say they paid roughly $783,692,584,000, in benefits by November 30, 2013. By benefits they are including retirement, disability, survivor and SSI benefits. A difference of roughly -$47,354,796,376.57, though they may collect between six and eleven billion dollars before the end of December.

In the end of 2012 the Social Security retirement trust fund interest was up $85.6 billion to $2,609.7 billion from the end of 2011, the disability fund was down $31.2 billion to $122.7 billion, Medicare hospital insurance was down $23.8 billion to $220.4 billion and Medicare parts B and D were down $13.5 billion to 67.2 billion. So they are beginning to eat into the principal of the trust funds a fair amount, but are still solvent. I can't find what the trust fund principal actually is but, in a web article from Center on Budget and Policy Priorities I found the following:

What the 2013 Trustees’ Report Shows About Social Security

By Kathy Ruffing

June 18, 2013

The drafters of the 1983 Social Security amendments purposely designed program financing in this manner to help pre-fund some of the costs of the baby boomers’ retirement. The interest income from the trust funds’ bonds, as well as the eventual proceeds from redeeming the bond principal, will enable Social Security to keep paying full benefits until 2033. Of course, policymakers should restore Social Security’s long-run solvency well before then. Social Security’s diminishing cash flow does affect the task of the Treasury, which manages the government’s overall financing needs. Nevertheless, the bonds have the full faith and credit of the United States government, and — as long as the solvency of the federal government itself is not called into question — Social Security will be able to redeem its bonds just as any private investor might do.[12]

[12] Paul N. Van de Water, “Understanding the Social Security Trust Funds,” Center on Budget and Policy Priorities, October 5, 2010, http://www.cbpp.org/cms/index.cfm?fa=view&id=3299.

The Social Security tax rates today for employees and employers is 6.2% for Social Security and 1.45% for Medicare each, the self-employed pay the full 12.4% and 2.9% themselves. Social Security and Medicare tax rates haven't gone up since 1990, prior to that the tax rates went up every year or two. With the exception of from 1984 to 1987 the Social Security rates didn't go up but Medicare rates did and from 1954 to 1956 Social Security stayed he same, there was no separate Medicare tax at that time.

Medicare part A, hospitalization, is included with Social Security benefits. Medicare part B, Doctors visits, is billed at $104.90 per/month and part D, prescriptions, is billed at $39.70 per/month, totaling $144.60. On top of that for those who can't get Medicaid it's best to have supplemental insurance. Through AARP with UnitedHealthCare the cost for supplemental on both parts B and D as of December 5, 2013 is $184.50. Now parts B and D cost a total of $329.10 per/month and, there's still a co-pay.

To qualify for medicaid in 2014, individuals under sixty-five with an income below 133% of the federal poverty level (FPL), or $19,086.00 yearly income are a go. The 100% FPL will be $14,350.00. These are up from 2013 respectively $15,282 and $11,490. I'm good to go, I'll get $10.606.80 next year according to Social Security.

All the above information about Social Security etc. came from the US government, except where noted.

End of nut shell report.

I wonder if Jeanne will appreciate the writing my nutshell of Social Security, as much as she did my review of AndrOpenOffice from November 30th. This one took a lot longer to put together than both of those combined times three. God I've been at it for over ten hours. I was interested in what I was doing and, not quite in hyperfocus which is nice. I kind of enjoyed it too. I like doing research, if I'm interested in the subject.

All I've had to eat today is a can of Porgresso Green Pea Soup and a bunch of peanut butter, separately. Its about time I found some real food. Maybe I'll watch a movie. I think I'll read instead, as its already 22:41 it will be tomorrow before I go to bed.

2013-12-22 Sun.

I started the day being amazed, and disappointed, at the temperature, it was already over 70°.

I talked to a squirrel who lives in the tree in front of my apartment. It was on the ground at first, so it told a moment or two before it looked up, I live on the third floor. It ran up the tree checked out its house then came out and did a little display for me. Probably marking its territory, as if something as big as I am would have any trouble taking it if I wanted to. Then ran off to do its squirrel stuff, protecting its domain and such. I like talking to animals especially small ones, cats, mice, squirrels and such but, I'm not found of rats, the whole cultural thing probably. I think of myself as being little, a little creature.

I came in as the first tiny raindrops were falling. Good thing to, it really poured for a few minutes. The porch was wet right up to my door.

Then I read and repaired what I had written since Saturday. Decided I was going to have peanut butter and jelly for breakfast and started to write.

There is some, I want to say creepy or icky stuff. It's past trauma that my mind is trying to keep at bay. So I'll keep going until I can grab hold of it or not. Yesterday there was a little bit of trauma related stuff that started the whole Social Security thing.

When most people first meet me they my have no idea of how insecure I can be. However, if they pay attention it becomes very apparent to all. I have a very strong front, shell, I present when I first meet someone. After a while if I feel comfortable around them it starts to break down. There was a woman I did some work for back in the early '90s who said to me "I don't know what did it to you but, it did it good." There was no need to discuss it we both knew she had hit it on the head. Though at strange, as in odd or difficult, times, I can be one of the most secure people out there. It all comes from not knowing what's going to happen next and, my need to to deal with what ever happens. I had to learn to over compensate, because just compensating wasn't going to cut it. Sometimes I would be so far gone there was no compensating from my point of view, so everything shut down and logic would take over and say this isn't right. However, in a normal, healthy, life this kind of effort became over doing it, and I don't have a way of knowing the difference except through a lot practice and, I'm a bad practicer. Most people in the know, i.e. therapists, know that my very secure, assertive and aggressive (aggressive is a neutral world) tendencies can often over compensation, though they are very real parts of my personality. Most people seem think it's like a manic depressive flip flop.

I'm both overly insecure and overly secure and, they both have good and bad points to them. Overly insecure can make you paranoid yet, it also means you tend to really look at things so you don't get hurt. Overly secure can make you cocky, leap before you look, yet, it also means you can handle just about anything. I like the good parts of both extremes but again, I don't know how to get rid of the bad, and I can't see a way to keep only the good.

Again, I'm not a good practicer, I don't know how to get beyond the boring stage. I somehow don't/can't seem feel invested enough in these parts of my life. On Friday I had said to Jeanne "As much as the thought scares me, if I had grown up in a safe environment where kids weren't punished for being hyper and talking too much, having ADD. I might not be so hyper but I would most likely be a normal, healthy, person." I say it scares me because it sounds like a very boring life. On the other hand, I'd probably be a better practicer.

Another thing Jeanne and I talked on Friday was, I had a very relaxed session, not talking about the real therapy stuff. I commented that there was still enough in it for her to be making notes, she says she takes copious notes. I'm not sure she knows I have never intentionally teased her about her notes. I really like, even really appreciate, how she is so diligent she is about it. It means she wants to understand and maybe even know what it is to be me. I'm not sure she understands this. She seems to be embarrassed, or something, about it. The few times I talked about it to her I don't seem to have got my point across about it. I said something about her writing down about the movies I talk about. I know she isn't doing this to write reviews for Therapist Weekly magazine. She says she doesn't know the movies, I wouldn't expect her to know a lot of the movies I watch. I expect she does it because she doesn't know the movies and, because my take on them reflexes a lot about who I am, how I think and what I feel. To me Jeanne taking notes means she cares about me. People caring about me is one of the best feelings I have ever had. I'm not saying Jeanne loves me but, I consider really caring about someone an expression of love.

I hope every therapist cares about these things even if they don't take notes. Though I have felt some of them haven't wanted me to talk about the movies, they just want the feelings out of context. I admit I don't like analyzing how I felt while I talk about a movie but, I like it a lot more than trying to talk about the feeling out of context.

Enough therapy for now. I use the word enough a lot and have been using rough a lot recently so, I wonder if dogs have rugh days. I've seen the name Fred spelled Phred so, might we not also spell it Ghred. Though some people might pronounce it Red or Gred.

It was a short break but, I want to make a point about really caring for someone. I would say that more than half the nurses I've met honestly cared about me or, maybe that should be 'cared for me'. I guess you could even say they really care for me, because they really took care of me, my well being was important to them. But to say somebody really cares about someone, is saying they really care who and what that person is. They care for the person as a whole, not necessarily just for the task or object they are caring for. People can be seen as tasks and objects without being disrespectful. At least that's my opinion.

OK now I'm really going to go play or something. Maybe I'll even walk over to CVS if it clears up some. I also have my other PB and J sandwich to eat.

While I was off playing I found something called Thumb Keyboard it's kind of neat but it has too many flaws, in my opinion, to use as a primary keyboard. I liked the layout it was split so that your thumbs could the letters easier. Maybe I'll look for another split keyboard. The idea of thumb typing really appeals to me all of a sudden.

It looks like I'm stuck with Hacker's Keyboard for now anyway. I just can't see how people get any real work done with any of the other on screen keyboards for Android. If you know how to us the keyboard you can work much faster and easier. You don't have to remember more than the basics, at least in Windows.

2013-12-23 Mon.

I just cut out a lesson on using keyboards, I wrote last night. I didn't delete it but, I figure I have enough rants, lessons and critiques on computer stuff in here. I know there will be more, probably a lot more. Somehow though I decided this one didn't belong.

I did save it just in case I ever want to write such a thing. I was thinking about a bit ago saying to myself 'why save it, it's not like your ever going to publish something like that. Someone already wrote the Idiot's book.' Then I thought about when I taught at the library, there were a lot of people who liked how I did it. So what if my language is off, most people don't seem to mind it. As a matter of fact it could even help sell books, because people would know that the writer wasn't somebody with a computer degree trying not to talk down to them. I once wrote a little thing about writing batch files (like little programs). In it I said 'I'd rather bore you that lose you', it's comments like this that keep people interested, it keeps it interesting. At least they would keep me interested if I read to learn.

I have all kinds of books on computers. Some of them were meant to be read like most other non-fiction books, like novels. Their all reference books to me. I treat almost all non-fiction as reference material. If I want non-fiction all I have to do is wake up. Yeah I know there's all kinds of things I could learn from these books if I would just read them. I think part of the problem is I can't ask questions of the writer, "What do you mean by...", "Well don’t you think..", there's no discussion. While I like knowledge for knowledges sake, I don't learn for learnings sake. That sounds kind of silly even for me but, it's true.

I still haven't gone to the store and, it's 17:49 so it doesn't look like I'm going to today. I'm still waiting for the rain to stop. Robert Heinlein wrote a story called Door Into Summer part of it was about his cat. In the winter the cat would walk you all around the house looking for the Door Into Summer which of course wasn't there.

Maybe I'll watch one of my Netflix movies now.

2013-12-23 Tue.

((Retroactive) I know retroactive isn't necessary but it makes it easier to keep track of the days.)

Well it was a long day. Basically it started with a call from Rebecca House, where Pat lives. One of the aides had told Pat to get her finger out of her mouth. (Pat chews on her finger nails to the point that she breaks the skin.) P at threatened the aide with her can, refused to take her meds and wouldn't eat her breakfast. I ended up going out there to take Pat to lunch, my breakfast and, tell the staff not to bother her about fingers anymore. If Pat gets an infection I'll just have to take her to the doctor. If she won't stop chewing her fingers then I spend the day with her and slap her hand every time she sticks her finger in her mouth.

We went out to eat at this Chinese/Japanese restaurant call Fortune Garden. Pat really likes the wallpaper and wall painting. The paintings are reminiscent of Mab's, my grandmother, work.

Now Pat is going to have to find another way to get me to go out there more than once a week.

I also ran an errand to the mall for watch parts for myself and Gloria, a blind woman who lives down the hall who I talk to. I had also dropped a prescription off at CVS to pick up on the way home. I stopped at the grocery store because they had four pound peanut butter on sale Personalized Price of $7.07 rather than $10.49 and, ended up spending $88.19.

After I put away all of the groceries I went over to Gloria's to finish putting watch together, I fitted it to her wrist. Well it was about 17:00 when I got there but, it was 23:00 and three sixteen ounce beers before I left. I enjoyed myself, Gloria lives with her aunt Joyce and, I think, boyfriend John. Her son Barry came over and, we spent the night talking about those good, Crazy, old days.

Just because I keep talking about paragraphs, I got this from Wikipedia:

A paragraph is a self-contained unit of a discourse in writing dealing with a particular point or idea. A paragraph consists of 3 or more sentences. Though not required by the syntax of any language, paragraphs are usually an expected part of formal writing, used to organize longer prose.

Well that's finally taken care of. I guess if you write a sentence or two together it's not a paragraph, like this isn't a paragraph.

By the way I did watch one of my movies on Monday night. It was a G.I. Joe movie. The first ones weren't worth talking about. This one wasn't as good as they were.

2013-12-27 Fri.

Yesterday I got lost in You Tube watching stuff stuff about 3D printers. It all started with a thing called 3Doodler. It's basically a hand held 3D printer. Home consumers can buy 3D printers that extrude plastic through a heated metal printing head. The ones I've seen can print objects up to roughly 11"(w) X 11"(h) X 10"(d). I saw one that will do three colors at the same time. They cost anywhere from $1300.00 $3999.00. I don't think I'm ready for one, mainly because I'd have to learn to use the CAD software, which I haven't been to lazy to do so far. I'd be able to do the layout work on a CAD program to get what I would wanted but even that could take months, because of distractions, boredom and design changes in the middle of a project.

Some of my drawings wouldn't get drawn if they weren't so small because I change my mind as to what I see in them. So I'm not ready for either a 3doodler or a 3D printer. O'well it would be nice to some if my stuff into 3D. I bet Jeanie's daughter Libby would get a real kick out of one though. I've seen some of the stuff she's done. I would say she's better than I am because she can translate her abilities to working on the computer. Something I've all but given up on.

I'm sitting here trying not to get angry because I just spent several hours working on a project which I hadn't saved yet and, the program locked up. Well I gave up and closed the the program. With a big sigh of relief. Fortunately I did have auto-save on so I got the whole thing back. I would have been angry hurt.

So back to my project now. I'll print a copy to go with this. The project I've been working on is a, I don't know, logo/trademark for me REDwdc my online user name. The printout is kind of amazing it has two copies of the same picture, one is easily visible, the other is the equivalent to about forty-nine pixels high on my screen. The amazing part is the little one looks as good as the big when I look at it under a magnifying glass. Part of the reason for this is I wanted a picture for Tweeter.

Oh I also worked on my world mandala this past week. I re-did the Long. 0 Lat. 0 globe face and, I remembered to save it this time. At this rate I should finish it any year now *¿*.

The other day I was going through the Mensa Weekly Brainwave weekly e-newsletter, from Mensa of course. There was a really nice article call The boy whose brain could unlock autism (at http://medium.com/matter/70c3ff221d64). It was definitely worth the read.

It kind of makes me wonder if there could be something like situational autism. Or would it just be autistic features. This is something I wonder about sometimes, because I sometimes feel like I have autistic features. I get withdrawn, repetitive and get enmeshed in patterns, my mind does not like chaos. Sometimes I get about autism the same way I was about DID before I finally decided I dissociate emotionally. I wanted to understand everything I could about it. This goes well beyond how I treat OCD. I know I don't have OCD, especially after I read what the diagnosis for it. However, I do joke about OCD features a lot, like the way I eat my peanut butter I hollow out the jar without touching the sides. Autism, however, is very different from DID and OCD thought, in my mind anyway.

This is getting confusing. I don't know if it's because of what I went through to make me this way or if it's it the general subject matter. While writing this though I am getting more anxious so I'm thinking it's the former. This is why I don't like writing. Whenever I begin to get close to this stuff I start to go off. I guess it's that old Avoidant Personality Disorder acting up again. I need an easy way to get rid of these things. Yeah and, one day God's going lay a finger on my head and say "Poof your a normal, healthy, person". Well I can wish can't I. I guess I would have to believe in God as an entity first huh.

I just had fun, dripping sarcasm ^¿^ rearranging the icons in my Mac's Launchpad, something I never use. The other day I rearranged and made aliases for the different folders in my Applications directory because I have them on my Dock and, it makes it easier if I keep them neat. By having those folders on my Dock it makes it faster to get to those programs. I'm at most two clicks away from almost every program I use on a regular basis on my Mac and on all of my Windows boxes.

I've gotten this almost as long as Test 2013-11-26 Tue. which ended up being eight pages once I 1.5 line spaced it and, I still have four days before Jeanne gets back. I already took out about a quarter of a page when I removed the keyboard instructions/rant.

I'm trying to setup my Toshiba again so I can us it outside if I have to. Mostly I only take it to The Center in and out patient. However, every once in a while it's nice to carry because I can use it to do artwork, like the multi... world mandala project. OK I've freed up almost half the drive space and I have external drives that have everything on them just in case I deleted something important. It was down to less that 5% of the hard drive free. As a rule of thumb you should have at least 10% of the drive free for optimum performance. I'll load the programs it's missing later I've now been up twenty-four hours.

I'm going to eat and see If I can get away with a few hours sleep. Well it's not really night but, it's still dark so nighty night.

2013-12-29 Sun.

Yesterday became an up and down day. Maybe that should be down and up since I forced myself to sleep most of the day, so today would start off the morning. This way I'll get up tomorrow and do laundry for the first time in something like three weeks and maybe more.

I've already lost interest in my pill reminder. I guess I'll just have to write something of my own and use windows to make it pop-up every day. The advantage of doing my own is I don't have to reset it every day and, I can do it as a batch file I can set up as a text editor. By making it a text editor it will allow me to write in it just like a sticky note but in an easier format to work with. I use to have a Visual Basic program I wrote That was more of a word processor but, it won't work with Windows 8 and, I couldn't/can't afford to upgrade Visual Basic when ever Microsoft decides to stop Windows from being backwards compatible.

Though I must admit that Microsoft has done pretty good so far though. They started cutting things out starting with ME, Millennium Edition. It was suppose to be pronounced as Me but I've never heard anyone say it that way. The Mistake Edition, buggier than a swamp in high summer. It wasn't until 8 that they pretty much cut out backward compatibility from before XP.

I do by the way have a way of regulating my anxiety I just stop writing for a while. This is one of the reasons I stopped writing in what time it is. I might start writing something and, it might take hours before I finish a paragraph because for some reason I'm getting anxious while writing it. The anxiety might have nothing to do with what I'm writing about. However, once I start to get the jitters or can't focus that the end of it for awhile. Sometimes I do try to force myself through these times because I know they have nothing to do with what I'm writing. Sometimes I know that the problem is that I'm trying to avoid something, damn personality disorders. Lastly, sometimes it's because I don't want to do something, Like deal with Pat.

(I lost all but the first line of the following but, I like this version better.)

By the way, extra spaced paragraphs may become more common since I can use them as a time delimiter. Kind of like in books when the author changes characters, places or has a time jump. I used to to do this at some point in the old TEST though I don't remember why I stopped.

I found a new programming language from Microsoft called Small Basic. I like it so far. I've rewritten my old Take Meds program as a free standing .exe file, that's kind like a small .app on a Mac.

I can put reminders in Take Meds but, as of now I need to open up the Small Basic. This isn't anymore complicated than using a simple text editor so it's not a big deal at this point. However, if I wanted to put in longer lists I would want it to read external text files because each line needs to be surrounded with some code. Here's the whole program and I'll highlight the lines I'm talking about.

GraphicsWindow.Show()

GraphicsWindow.Title = ""

GraphicsWindow.Width = 423

GraphicsWindow.Height = 200

GraphicsWindow.BackgroundColor = "silver"

GraphicsWindow.BrushColor = "Tan"

GraphicsWindow.FillRectangle (5, 5, 415, 70)

GraphicsWindow.PenColor = "yellow"

GraphicsWindow.PenWidth = 5

GraphicsWindow.DrawRectangle (5, 5, 413, 70)

GraphicsWindow.FontName = "Arabia"

GraphicsWindow.FontSize = 72

GraphicsWindow.FontBold = "true"

GraphicsWindow.BrushColor = "yellow"

GraphicsWindow.DrawText(15, 0, "Take Meds")

GraphicsWindow.FontName = "Times New Roman"

GraphicsWindow.FontSize = 14

GraphicsWindow.BrushColor = "black"

GraphicsWindow.DrawText(10, 85, "Pat at Jenny's Monday 12-30 at 14:00")

GraphicsWindow.DrawText(10, 100, "See Jeanne on Tuesday 12-31 at 14:00")

As you can see the whole program isn't very big so it opens quick. Editing the last two lines isn't bad for maybe three or four lines but, a grocery list would be a pain. Where you see the 10,85 and 10, 100 these tell the program where to put the lines in the window. So, copying, pasting and editing two or three lines isn't much trouble but, I wouldn't want to much more than that.

I've tied it into Windows Task Schedule to get it to come up at 7:00 and, if the computer is asleep it will be there when I wake it up. I found out it will read text file so I might be able to have a notes file that it will read in it.

It's getting time for bed. So I guess I'll be back tomorrow. By the way, in case you haven't figured it out, I like this Small Basic programming language.

2013-12-30 Mon.

Well it's roman and spices for breakfast then off to do laundry before going to take Pat to see Jenny. I knew I would have a reason for wanting to see Jenny today. Even a week and a half ago I knew it. It's just that back then I didn't know why I'd want to take Pat in. In part it's so that Pat had her meltdown last week and, in part to see if Pat remembers her meltdown.

It only took an hour twenty before I actually took my pills but Take Meds was up there from 7:00 until I did. So it worked today and I don't have to think about it from now on.

Well I'm off to wash, me, and the laundry. Later. Maybe I'll take this with me down to the laundry room.

Oh, once I space and a half this thing it's over 12 pages. Maybe one of these days I'll get back to playing songs for Jeanne. I just haven't figured out which ones to play yet, there are too many.

I was sitting here thinking, just to be controversial I'd change Take Meds to say "Take Drugs" then below it in small print "and Vitamins". Sometimes I can purposely be nonconformist.

Most of the time I'm at best subconscious nonconformist. By this I mean I don't go out of my way to not conform I just don't to conform either. I all sounds to much like work to me. Besides I know most people like conformity. I also agree it makes life easier for most people. For me however, it's more work. Conformity is why I built the different shells I wear in public, like when I used to teach at the library.

Making shells is easy I do it totally unconsciously, the same way I read people. It's spending time in them that's the hard part. I think wearing a suit of armor would be a good analogy. In the 1400's the average man was 5" 5' and a full suit of tempered steel armor would weight between 33 and 44 pounds. But it's not just the weight, you have problems moving, balancing, seeing and hearing. A blow to the head might not split your skull but, it could give you a severe concussion. The only advantage I have is my sight and hearing aren't impaired, and my version of a blow won't necessarily give me a concussion. I've had enough concussions though some time I think I'd rather be hit on the head literally.

I read the other day, they now think if you treat a concussion properly you can lessen or counter the damage. I don't remember where I read it.

I just realized I've now used bullets, tables and images in my personal writings. I guess I might as well write a book. Who knows maybe I will. I know military people have written (auto)biographies about PTSD but I've never heard about Complex PTSD or childhood trauma (auto)biographies.

Time to get ready for Pat. Be back Later.

I'm back. And, I back again.

When I got home from Pat's for what ever reason I had to go to sleep. Jeanie called at 22:30 and kind of woke me. It was good she did otherwise I would have woken up at 4:00, 4:30. This is good otherwise I'd start getting off kilter time wise again. This is one of the reasons my taking Ritalin is a good thing. It helps me regulate my internal clock. Having a twenty-six to twenty-eight hour day gets old even on my schedule or, lack there of. Now all I have to do is get back to sleep before 4:00, 4:30. Which tonight won't be a problem.

An interesting thing about this writing, today I mean. Is I can see myself trying to find things to write now that I will see Jeanne tomorrow. Almost as if I want to see how long I can make it. A little bit ago I was thinking, in an offhand sort of way. This will teach her to take a week off. Even when she does her Jungian conferences once a year I only miss one session. Yet two weeks in the year I end up missing whole week. Ya know sometimes life sucks.

It's weird sometimes last summer was a long time ago but, it seems as though she went to her conference only a month or two ago. This is backwards because her Jungian conferences are always in the spring. That’s how it works out in my head though. Einstein’s right time is a relative thing. Somehow I don't thing he meant it the same way though.

I guess I should go back to my book now so I be asleep by 4:00 it's already 0:45.

2013-12-31 Tue.

Last night when I was thinking 'This will teach her to take a week off.' I have thought this about every therapist I've had. I'm not sure I mean it quit the way it sounds. Yes I wish she didn't go away for a week. On the other hand if I were to punish her for taking time off, she might find a way to stop seeing me. This would be bad. I think mainly it's a mark of the attachment I've grown for them. In reality if I would be punishing anyone it would be me. As far as Jeanne's told me, she likes Test. If she doesn't have the time to read it during my session she can read later. Again this could be hurtful to me because I wouldn't be there to help with any possible misinterpretations.

I'm not really sure what in this sparked this but, I've got off looking at Taoism on the web. As I wrote that I remembered why. Robert Heinlein uses the word hegira (A flight to escape danger) several times in Methuselah's Children. I'd looked it up on Sammy (My book reader will access an external dictionary) and, found out in the dictionary Greg Bear, a science fiction writer, had titled a book Hegira. Then looking in Wikipedia about Greg Bear I found out he Deist...

I think I found the next song. Hijira by Joni Mitchell. That will have to wait until next week at the earliest.

I have built a persona for Joni and made her into some I love. I have never dreamed of Joni as a lover but, I did want to be her child when I was thirteen of fourteen. Now I would dearly like to know her as a person and, not have my illusions get in the way. I do know I would have a hard time doing this, though I like to think I'd get over it quick. From everything I've seen and heard she is a really (I can't think of a word) person. She personifies art in her own way. I just saw a clip of Graham Nash in which he says "I might even say genius at music" and "with her music she's painting with words".

And with that I think I'll wrap it up for now.

Week 11 - 2013-12-17 Tue.

2013-12-17 Tue. (2013-12-18 Wed.)

I going to try for a rewrite because I deleted what I had actually written.

I'm sitting in the waiting room at Jeanne's office writing this. This is something new for me as it is only the second time I've ever done this. While I have worked on other hand held devices, I've never worked something I was going to show my therapist.

Anyway, on my way in I noticed Jeanne's door was closed and the "in session" sign was hanging on the door knob. My first thought was that she has a new patient as she had had the 13:00 slot open before. Then it occurred to me that I had felt hurt or jealous that I was the second person she had asked to do her "the first word that comes to mind" test. This is kind of silly since she probably has something like twenty patients, so why would I be the first one she would think of. Then I sort of realized that who she picked wasn't really the important part here. Nor was it that I had realized about it, I've done that a bunch of times. It was that I really thought about it. That is something I hadn't done, maybe ever, before. Why should this silly thing hurt me. Because of what happened and how I was brought up. Because I never learned how to deal with this kind of stuff.

2013-12-18 Wed.

On my way home I thought about something Jeanne had said after she had read this. (Or at least the original.) She said something like life being hard or strange having nineteen brothers and sisters. My first thought was I glad I didn't grow up with that many. Even though I talk, or at least use to, about my mother being like a saint for me because she would rarely spent some real time with me. I was still low man on the totem pole. I was seven or eight before I had any toys that were mine alone, except for the white elephant the fan ate. I don't think it was because I wasn't given any, rather it was that I couldn't keep the others from taking them. Yeah kids should share and, I am a very sharing type but still. Anyway you can see I had enough to handle with only four brothers and sisters, I don't even want to think about nineteen. I think it was said at least partly as a jest, I think but, it was a scary none the less.

Somewhere in the middle of that I went to make tea and thought of something else about Tuesday but, I didn't make a note of it so it's gone. I was then thinking it's time to go tea shopping. I have a minimum of eight teas I keep on my shelf at all times, right now it's eleven and, sometimes thirteen or fourteen. Sometimes I think one would do it but, then I realize that I often realize that I've got something different now than I did an hour or two ago and, I happy for a moment. Oh those small joys in life. I don't drink real tea as in tea leaves. I drink herb and fruit teas and some others like licorice, lemon ginger and ginseng.

2013-12-19 Thu.

It's only 19:40 and I'm ready for bed. I was up really late last night trying to get Sammy to talk to Windows. So far no luck, Windows just don't like Sammy. I was doing live chat with Samsung and they had me do a total wipe. Poor Sammy was brain dead there for a little while, on top of being rejected by both George (Win 7) and Mary (Win 8.1). Little guy had a really bad day. On top of all that he lost three games, a cheap Uno, a Bejeweled clone and Dominos. Anyway Sammy still can' talk to the big guys and, I'm to beat to deal with Samsung tonight, maybe tomorrow. Gee if it weren't for Little, Sammy might not have any friends. (hee hee)

Hey if your going to anthropomorphize ya gada do it right.

So anyway. The Uno and Dominos were no big loss but I kind of liked the jewel game. I found a better Dominos I think but, I haven't figured how you're your suppose to exit the game properly. So I've been dropping out (going back to the desktop) and and killing ("Force Quit" on a Mac "End Task" on Windows) it.

I seem to be in a real playful mood tonight. It'd kinda be a waste to go to sleep early. I'll just lie down and see how long I can keep going, before I fall out. Between last Sunday/Monday (the 36 hour run) and last night, I think I might be getting old. Be a real shame to let that happen. I'm not old enough to be getting old but, who knows. I don't know but, some people think I'm crazy. An interesting non sequitur and, I didn't even have to think about it.

I had to go to Google to spell non sequitur so of course I came across the comic...

2013-12-20 Fri.

I decided earlier (I've been up since roughly three thirty, though I did get over six hours sleep) that I'm changing the way Test works for the next eleven plus days. Since I won't see Jeanne for eleven days after today I'm going to bring this in today rather than hang on to it for what would be two weeks. I'll probably have a small book by the time I see her again so... Besides some of it's funny and I want Jeanne and ergo myself to enjoy it. That ones not a non sequitur I really enjoy making people laugh.

Though I enjoy making people laugh I don't think I would ever become a comedian. I heard a clip from a show George Carlin did, a heckler in the audience was getting to him one night and George said (I'm probably paraphrasing) "Hey asshole shut-up I trying to make a living here." If that wasn't how he started it was how he ended, saying something like "After the show we can discuss it in the ally." or "I'll come down and beat the shit out of you." It was a couple of years ago but the strange part is from everything I've heard and read George is an easy going guy. He was the narrator for Thomas & Friends, the kids show from '91 to '95. There a serious quote from him I'm trying to find. If I do I'll attache it. Found it.

Anyway. This is one of those things I wouldn't do because I would probably become cynical and, then it wouldn't be any fun.

I know that I won't have any problems dealing with the next week and a half but, I don't want to. Too bad the world isn't fair. Then I could honestly scream, IT ISN'T FAIR. It isn't about fair though it's about what happened to me and how I learn, or try to, to deal with it.

Well time to go.

Week 10 - 2013-12-10 Tue.

2013-12-10 Tue.

Today at Jeanne's, I apologized to her for telling her last Friday (2013-12-07) that she was projecting. I'm not comfortable with the out come of our discussion. So I figured it was a good idea to write it in here so I wouldn't forget about it. I know that part of the problem is that I remembered when it was time to leave so we couldn't really talk about it while we were there. This way I know we will talk about next time. If not Thursday (2013-12-12) then next Tuesday.

What happened was, Jeanne said something about this week being a four day week and, I said that's not true because she was going to Philadelphia this Friday. Then she said something about it being a four day week for her patients and, I said that this wasn't necessarily true either. Then I said she was projecting. In part this was because she had told me I was on Tuesday (2013-11-12), though the next week when we talked about it she agreed with me that I wasn't. However, last Tuesday she agreed with me that she had been.

The apology was because I was getting into her head and I don't think that's a good idea. This is something I tend to do a lot not meaning to and, most people get really upset when I do it. Also because she is my therapist so if I do this too often it could cause problems. However, she had told me today I should feel free to tell her these kind of things

Anyway, I don't know what to think so we will talk about it. Hopefully she will be able to explain it to me.

I think this is the end for tonight. Maybe I'll be back but I doubt it, I'm confused.

2013-12-12 Thu.

Yesterday, I play 12 games of Batsford, a bunch, 15 to 20 levels, of BrickShooter and I spent most of the day working on computer art. In the morning I received an email from Marijuana Majority saying Uruguay Becomes 1st Country to Legalize Marijuana! Kinda neat uh.

Anyway they have this picture I like that they ask people to post on web pages. There are two things wrong with this picture. 1) it looks like it's a metal sign with bullet holes in it. 2) it's a .jpg with words on a solid color background. .jpg's really don't work on solid color backgrounds. .jpg's can't display straight lines properly, they dither (change the pixels around an object), for lack of a better word, a picture around an object to help blend it together. For photos, painting or some drawing this works just fine but, whenever you have a straight edge, say a black square in the middle of a white field, it causes problems.

Anyway I spent a few hours cleaning it up and saved it as a .png which doesn't have the dithering problem but, it's a larger file size. The picture I downloaded is 65,439 bytes, the picture I saved is 655,265 bytes more than ten times. However, with today’s hard drive size and the way they are broken down storage wise the .png is worth it as far as I'm concerned.

Jeanie is this way with sound files. Where I'm happy with a 9MB song, she has the 26MB version, or an even larger version. It's kind of like point scales it's all relative.

2013-12-13 Fri.

For some reason my body is acting hypoglycemic. I just don't know what's going on with it. I ate not to long ago, I even had a double scoop of peanut butter. I think I figured it out, I had about four times as much juice as usual and, it has a bunch of sugar in it. I haven't had any ice cream or candy for about a month and, that about all the sugar I eat that's not in my regular food. Kinda-sorta like yesterday I was my sugar was manic and today my sugar is depressed. The weirdest part about this is usually to much sugar I get tired, not enough sugar I get hyper.

I just took some Xanax to calm down some of the physical effects of what ever this is. If I stay like this for too long it really throws everything off. I'm starting to get hot flashes, spacey and tremors. I think the Xanax is kicking in, the muscle spasms (this includes and is covered by tremors) are slowing down a little bit.

On to something else. Though I'll keep you informed if it starts to get bad again.

Yesterday at Jeanne's we talked the projecting and speculating thing. She does want me to say what's on my mind. and we can work on the speculating and saying the same kind of stuff but without thinking about it (I don't know what I saying until I hear it). Actually I might not realize how personal some, maybe most, people feel about what I'm saying.

I know that part of the problem is Little me. Just like a little kid I'll talk about almost anything, at least about my self. The actual words will change depending whom I'm with but, that's about it. I think this line needs to be repeated, with a little extra emphasis:

Though some times when I talk without thinking I can say the most wonderfully eloquent precise things.

I don't want to lost that part of it. I'm not even sure that I could monitor these things. If I figure out how to monitor them, I could very easily screw it up by trying to make it better. Not a good thing for me, almost every time I try to second guess myself, I screw it up.

Back to this later it's My Cloud time. Well it's three hours later. I'm getting My Cloud loaded with my Data directory which has been on at least one of my computers since the mid '80s. It's effective 327GB, though there's a lot of stuff I could dump, without feeling the loss, I never seem to get around to it. I'm also going to upload my Archives directory, which like the Data directory could afford to lose some weight,it's 108GB. Lastly there's the Mac Mini which only has slightly under 72GB. Which only comes to a total of 507 GB. I'll be using more than a quarter of the drive but then I know I can get rid of a couple of gigabytes without any problem and, since a lot of the archive programs can be dumped because they won't work on anything I have to run them on, I won't miss it. Help me work on my pack-ratery.

Another good thing with the I cloud is I'll be able to transfer files from here, Sammy the Android, to My Cloud. I'm going to have to anthropomorphise My Cloud one of these days but, since I've had the Mac Mini for over three years and it doesn't have a name yet who knows.

I'm going to go play for a while more. Oh by the way, the hypoglycemic thing has finally gone away. It was between 13:00 and 14:00 when it started and it's 19:25 now. Be back.

2013-12-14 Sat.

Back, only it's twenty-four hours and twenty minutes later. I have been having fun though.

Jeanie got to be the first person to access my My Cloud drive over the internet. It took a lot of doing though. I finally had to call Western Digital to get help. It ended up I had to reboot the drive from with in a web page that's built into the drive box (printers and routers have the same thing).

For now on I'm going to call the cloud drive WDMC it's a lot shorter and, therefore easier to type. At some point I may find a catchier name. Like calling the Samsung Sammy, it's not only shorter it's also easier to type. I always like easier.

Jeanie once said, though she regrets it, that I was the laziest person this side of the moon. First you need a new definition for lazy. "A lazy person does it right the first time so they doesn't have to do it again." By Robert Heinlein from the book Methuselah's Children I think. I neglected to mention to Jeanie that depending where the moon is that could be a relatively small number of people, especially if I'm at the right latitude.

There is one thing wrong with WDMC I can't directly upload to it from Sammy, However, I can upload to Sky Drive, the Microsoft cloud, then copy it to WDMC from there. It's a little more complicated than that but, still easy.

This all seems kind of disjointed but it's is very much like my day. I spent the morning looking up stuff online, not just WDMC. Then I really got into getting Jeanie hooked up and making sure all of my devices were set-up to work properly. Then I started writing but, I've been doing other stuff all along. I did remember to eat before hypoglycemia came back. Actually I was paying enough attention that I felt it when it was first starting. Oh and, real early this morning I dug out some refills for my meds and my vitamins.

Now I'm beginning to wind down, it's about 22:50. So, I'm off to read and sleep. Nighty night. I really like typing that for some reason.

2013-12-15 Sun.

I found my first computer calculator that does fractions. I've had two or three pocket calculators that have done this for many years. Now I finally have one on a computer. Of course doing fractions on any calculator it easy you just divide the top number by the bottom number but, I want to know that:

1 3/8 - 3/4 = 5/8

not that it equals 0.625, which is of course also true but...

I've been having fun but, I don't know that I'm all here. This has been going on for a couple of days. I'll wait another week or two and see what happens but, I think it might be the anti-depressants.

I forgot to put the day names after the dates starting on Friday, I went back and did it. Later on Friday after I got the WDMC I'm not sure where my head was. However, yesterday and today, looking back, I've definitely felt disconnected. I can feel something but, pushing at it makes me anxious kind of like hypoglycemia feels. This of course would make me think I need to eat, which I am doing Wheat Thins and hummus. I was eating peanut butter earlier. I really don't want to eat a whole meal.

I'll just nuke some frozen veggies. Oh well, I keep forgetting that this microwave is more powerful than my old one. The veggies are alright just a little over cooked. Sometimes I put salad dressing in veggies instead of butter, another oh well. Actually the veggies are still more chewable than over cooked mushy.

Anyway, I'm not sure I like this disconnect feeling.

2013-12-17 Tue.

Sunday night and yesterday I took a vacation. This basically means I suspended all, of my and some of other peoples, rules. Late Sunday night I started playing one of my games and kept playing until seven or eight last night. I got a call from someone taking a phone survey on health in DC. (I like surveys. I think in part because I get to be at one end of the spectrum and, because I get to mess with the people with the point scales. Which is good for me because I have to decide point scale things.) Also on these vacations I usually, 1) go into hyperfocus, anywhere from two to five or six hours get compressed, disappear, 2) eat minimally, in this case peanut butter and tea. On this vacation I played the same video game , a bubble shooter, the whole time without any sleep. Normally breaking only for food, drink or the bathroom. Probably the only reason I answered the phone is my subconscious knew it was time to stop. After the call I had gotten something in my eye and, it's hard to play video games with one eye. Amazingly enough this morning I was hungry for something closer to real, more than one ingredient, food. (Roman, veggies, salsa and peanut butter. I really like peanut butter, though I should have put eggs in it too.)

So basically I did very little, even for me between Thursday and today. Also I feel better without the meds already, but it's only been since yesterday so not a real test. I hadn't back on they long enough for a real test either. It usually takes me two or three weeks to adjust to the side effects.

It just occurred to me yesterday could have been a reaction to the side effects of my meds. God I hate to go through that though. It's not that I don't like it, it's more that I don't really know what happened.

In the game there are 5 colors.

The level I spent most of my time on starts with only 4 of them.

So there are only 5 combinations for which 4 colors I start with.

There are only eighty possible combinations of 4 out of 5 and, I probably played them all.

After those first 4 bubbles are gone the Combinations and Permutations get too complex for me..

So it get easy to see how it all runs together. So "I don't really know what happened".

Sunday night it all started with my new calculator. It's has a few new to me buttons on the scientific calc. screen. The only two I had never seen before are the nPr and nCr buttons or Permutation and Combination buttons. I spent hours playing with the buttons I knew and, remembering and learning how to do all kind of formulas. Then I taught myself about Combinations and Permutations. I spent more than six or seven hours on this stuff. Numbers can really fascinate me sometimes but, then so can words, i.e. crossword puzzles. (I've done crossword puzzles for many hours straight before too.)

Time to get ready to leave, it's early but, I want my hair to dry a little before I leave.

I think I discovered how to deal with my strange paragraphs. Parentheses as long as I don't carry on too long. If I limit my aside comments to a sentence or two I can put them in parentheses, then continue the topic in the next paragraph or not depending how important I think it is. What I've been doing is starting a new paragraph and then going back to the original topic.

Maybe I'll write more while I'm in Jeanne's waiting room, so I'll have time to get this printed and out the door.