SOME OF THIS MIGHT BE TOO GRAPHIC FOR SOME PEOPLE


Some of what shows up here is just crazy, even to me and I write it. I intend to share my Journal and things I've done while in, in and out patient programs.

Chronologically I'm 58 (fall of 2013). Experientially I'm older. Emotionally I'm somewhere between 3 and 12 most of the time. I live with stress pretty much all of the time. I often say, "I have a Street address in Stress Land."

As for the name "A Sound Track of Mind". A friend made a road tape called "Experimental or Just Plan Mental" so I made "A Sound Track of Mind". However I think it applies here because of the soundtrack in my mind and, having my mind on a sound (firm) track to run, walk, or crawl on.

The names I use may or may not be real. However my name isn't legally Robin Douglas. There may be some who read this who know who I am because I've been using the name for many years.

In a way my journal is written for my therapist, Jeanne. However, it is also one of the only ways I've found of constructively expressing my feeling with myself. It starts off very sudden because I started writing again to help with therapy. So your missing about 3 years of background. On Tuesday I bring in whatever I've written for the previous week.

Back in '85 through '90 I had written over 350 pages. I called it TEST as in "This is a test it is only a test". I call the new one Test. From 1991 to October 2013, I've written less than fifty pages in many fits and starts but, never being to be able to keep it up. Jeanne likes it because it gives her something to work with if I'm just chattering.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Week 6   -   2013-11-12 Tue.

2013-11-12 Tue.
I've got a lot of thinking to do between now and Friday. Do I want to do an hour thirty on Tuesday or, Tuesday at E Street and Wednesday at 17th Street. I'm very tempted to do Wednesday in part because then I can see Jeanne's other office but, also because it stretches it out more. Yeah I like the Wednesday idea best. Besides it will get me further out of the house even if I do drive. There's the downside what time on Wednesday. I don't want to do rush hour, not on the bus subway or in the car. Well, we'll see on Friday.

2013-11-13 Wed.
Went to see Dr. Peterson today, what a pain. I'm going to have to show my ID and insurance cards then wait for the nurse to check my blood pressure, temperature and weight every time I go. I really get very tired of all this stuff. Why can't life just be simple.

2013-11-14 Thu.
Something just came to mind about my dream/sleeping cycles of late. I haven't slept for more than, in the strictest sense, five hours straight for some time, though I have been getting around seven hours of sleep a night. This includes my hypnogogic/hypnopompic states, though I'm not sure I actually woke up, I did know I was dreaming. So I'm wondering how much of this is stress/anxiety or that I have some kind of urinary track infection. I do, it appears, have some kind of UTI, but I'll deal with that next week or, maybe tomorrow afternoon I call Dr. Chang my urologist.

I had an interesting thing happen while I was writing that last paragraph. Jeanie called. This is only unusual because the only time we ever talk in the morning is on the weekend. She had to call though because I haven't been on line for the past few days (since Saturday) because I've been reading, chilling out after last Friday.

This brings up another interesting thing. I've only watched one movie and no other video in, at least, two weeks or, maybe a little longer. I've been reading instead. This is kind-a-sort-a of a good thing because it means I have gotten my concentration back. On the other hand I could be just tired of video so instead of bingeing on video I've been bingeing on books as a way to escape.

This is a test to see what happens this time because I killed "Music Play" Google's subscription music player. It seems to have worked this time. So I guess the secret is that I have to do it before I start TextMaker. It is nice to know that I don't have to keep it running all of the time.

Well the test worked. I wrote that last paragraph at about 10:30 - 11:00 this morning. It's 18:50 and I got home about 20 minutes ago. I'm not really sure why I'm sitting here trying to write but I thought I'd give it a try.

Well I just got distracted looking at movies. I don't really feel like watching any right now but, Netflix now has a "My List" option where you can keep movies you want to watch later. I have one that's been on the list for over three months. It's "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" except that it's now a trilogy called the "Dragon Tattoo Trilogy". I've seen"The Girl" in Swedish and English and, I really like the actress Noomi Rapace. I've seen her in a couple of movies. The movie is way too complicated to get into here. Oh, they've already made a remake of "The Girl", the original was released February 27, 2009 and the remake was released December 21, 2011.

I did watch a movie, called "Europa Report" about a manned space flight to Jupiter's moon Europa, and they discover life. However, in the end they all die. Though sad it was a really interesting movie. I gave it four out of five stars.

Now it's time for bed, well my book. Nighty night.

2013-11-15 Fri.
Since this is looking to be a rather slow week, thankfully, I don't mind these little "I don't know what to write about", bits. However, if I don't write them I may never find out if I can drag up anything deeper.

I just played a double-deck game of solitaire and thought of something I often think about. I like to see and make patterns. This time the kings in the tableau, the dealt card at the beginning of the game, were:

B, R, R, B, R, B, B, R.

This also happened yesterday. I have a binary clock, it uses blinking lights to show ones and zeros, it doesn't keep time anymore but I like the patterns. It's kind of like how when I hear sounds in air registers that are chaotic my mind makes patterns out of them, usually blues riffs.

More autistic features. I'm not trying to identify as autistic, anymore an I want to be OCD or DID, but, there are similarities in my behavioral patterns that I believe are helpful in understanding how I relate to/in the world. I may be wrong but I think if I can understand these symptomatic patterns better, I might be able to get a better understanding of how I work and, may be able to adapt better to/in the world around me.

Well this was a lot of work. I just spent an hour forty-five putting together the following:

Speculation
Mac
  1. The forming of a theory or conjecture without firm evidence: there has been widespread speculation that he plans to quit
  •    this is pure speculation on my part
  •    these are only speculations.

WordWeb
  1. A message expressing an opinion based on incomplete evidence
  2. A hypothesis that has been formed by speculating or conjecturing (usually with little hard evidence)
  3. Continuous and profound contemplation or musing on a subject or series of subjects of a deep or abstruse nature habit of speculation is the basis for all real knowledge"

Synonyms
  • conjecture
  • guess
  • hypothesis
  • meditation
  • supposition
  • surmise

Projection
Mac
  1. The presentation or promotion of someone or something in a particular way: the legal profession's projection of an image of altruism.
  • a mental image viewed as reality: monsters can be understood as mental projections of mankind's fears.
  • the unconscious transfer of one's own desires or emotions to another person: we protect the self by a number of defense mechanisms, including repression and projection.

WordWeb
  1. A prediction made by extrapolating from past observations
  2. (psychiatry) a defense mechanism by which your own traits and emotions are attributed to someone else

Synonym
  • ejection
  • expulsion
  • forcing out
  • jut
  • jutting
  • protrusion

So in context of what Jeanne and I were talking about today, what do I make of all of this? Speculation is a guess or deduction based on some but granted little information. Where I tend to think of projection, in this context, more in the sense of transference. I don't see what I think as transference. I am not going to get into our conversation here period. Doctor, Patient confidentiality. I know I've made it all the more ... whatever you favorite word is.

I've now spent two hours on this, pretty much to the minute.

2013-11-19 Tue.
Well it's Tuesday Morning and I just finished a basket of laundry (three loads), and I have a couple of hours to kill before I leave for Jeanne's. So I thought I might see if I had anything to say.

I need to eat, I can feel the hebe-gebies from lack of food coming on. I really hate this feeling, and I can't figure out when it's going to come on. I mean in retrospect it's not hard to realize I didn't eat very much yesterday but, since I don't really pay attention to food I tend not to remember when, what or how much I ate last, unless I really think about it.

OK, I've had two Hot Pockets and the hebe-gebies are starting to calm down now.
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