Week 1 - 2013-09-30 Mon.

2013-09-30 Mon.

Well yesterday worked out better than it could have. It started out pretty good, though I didn't turn on any video (Netflix or Comcast). I worked on my Roman numeral conversion program, it works, YEAH! Now all I need to do is see if I can make it smaller.

However, not long after I started, sometime before noon, Pat called almost in tears. She started out with will you tale me to the hospital. What she was talking about was frustration and depression with Alzheimer's. This left me in a very anxious state for which I ended up taking 0.5 mg. of Xanax and smoking a little more than usual.  However, as I said before, I did finish my program before I went to bed (YEAH!), which was again very late.

2013-10-03 Fri.

Well our visit to see Jenny, Pat's (my mother)  therapist, went really well. She wants to go back. She asked me two or three times when we would be going back.

2013-10-05 Sat.

As far as I know I've watched less than 20 minutes of video since Saturday.

2013-10-06 Sun.

Well between yesterday and today I've watched seven episodes (about 5 hours, this includes the 20 minutes I wrote about yesterday) of Continuum, a cop show that takes place on in current time but, the main character is from 2077 (I won't get into any more of it here).

I've decided to restart my old habit with Test being written by the week. However, since this is the eighth day, I guess I should explain. Like the fact that I use 24 hour time and I put the year first when I write the date, I start the week on Monday. So the first new week of Test will have eight days, because I want to start the new on Monday.

Just now, in thinking about what I would write about, besides my video watching (which does have merit) and the mechanics of writing Test, I realized I'm drinking a beer. Last week was a very busy week for me and next week is looking worse. I will be seeing Pat tomorrow to her taxes done, doing some of my laundry (I hope) and seeing Jeanne on Tuesday, hopefully doing more laundry on Wednesday and I see Jeanne in the morning and Pat goes to see Jenny on Thursday. Aaaaaaagggh too much to think about.

Now I know that when I bought the beer, I just happened to notice that they had some of the microbrewery beers on sale and, this particular one at a good price, so I bought it. Good stuff "Kona Brewing Co. Pipeline Porter with 100% Kona Coffee. Anyway I'm going to have to make this, my fourth, my last as I'm getting a buzz. In my bad old days I'd drunken four six-packs of beer and, walked close to 2.75 miles, in less time than I've drunk these four beers.

All of this aside, might it really have been some subconscious thing telling me that I'd been and, will be, under a lot of pressure, at least for me. It's an old coping mechanism that I don't really think about anymore. I should at least be thinking about such things, if not know better. No I'm not beating myself up, this I do know better about.

Kind-a-sort-a, I now feel like I'm looking my old life in the face. Like it could be starting all over again. However, my old life was the way it was because I had more to do than I could handle without my “Mother's Little Helper”, a Rolling Stones song) I know and do use better coping mechanisms than I had then and, don't want to go back to using them. I really don't like the fuzzy thinking and, the rest of it. Not to mention having a second blackout or DWI, I didn't have them at the same time, thank God. I really didn't like either the first time.

I decided that Test should start on Tuesday instead f Monday because I see Jeanne on Tuesday. I figure that bringing one of these a week will be more than enough. So this Test will have nine days in it.

2013-10-07 Mon.

The beer is gone and I don't think I'll be buying any six packs for a while. It's not that I can't deal with drinking in general or even in the specific, it's more that I don't want to until it's too late. I do like beer but, when I'm in an off state of mind I'm willing to let things go. As for taking Xanax, subconsciously I think I'd rather be a drunk than a drug addict, even though Xanax has a cleaner effect.

Something I've kind of hinted at is that I will be bringing Test to Jeanne, I hope she doesn't mind. Even if I don't want to talk about what I've written it will give her a better idea of where I am and, what, if anything, I'm avoiding. I was just thinking I should print this with wider margins for notes. I used to bring them to Dr. Summers but, she was the only one I always did bring them to.

Dr. Summers would always or, almost always, ask if she could/should keep them and, I would always say yes. Sometimes it would kind of frustrate or even piss me off but, I never said anything to her about it.

2013-10-08 Tue.

One last thing, for now, about drinking, several times over the past few days of writing about it I realized that I did most of my writing while I was drinking. This of course doesn't out weight the bad parts of drinking but, it is an interesting fact. One I've never thought of before.

I suppose there must be some “good” in all “bad” feeling, I can write when I get maudlin.

A strange computer thing, the page breaks are off. In the TextMaker there is one more line per/page than there is in WordPerfect which has smaller margins, and in OpenOffice which has the same size margins.