Week 13 - 2014-01-07 Tue.

Post dated. 2014-01-07 Tue.

Today is the seventh and it's 2:00PM 7 X 2 = 14 it's 14:00. Not as rare as 02-07-14 it's only a onetime thing, but still good. (Editorial Comment: On December 31st I had told Jeanne it was too bad her Jungian seminar was on Friday the 7th of February.)

Jeanne was interested in this, Heinlein, Robert A. - The Door into Summer.txt

2014-01-03 Fri.

I haven't written since last year, Tuesday the 31st *¿*. I don't know why but, I have to do that at least once a year. Kind of like a compulsion. I guess it's just Little letting us know I'm all here.

Anyway, I haven't been writing here, Test, because I got a free copy of Visual Basic (VB) 2010 Express from Microsoft. I could have gotten VB 2013 but it's an ugly interface really ugly. It's a big brother to Small Basic. I didn't really try using it until last night. Microsoft actually made it easier in some ways, maybe a lot of ways. So I've now written/rewritten Take Meds three times, the first in VB 3, then Small Basic, lastly VB 2010 (also called VB.net 2010). I might try to get it to do other things as I go along. The first version had a lot of stuff I was trying to add, but never got working. I can still play with it but, it's not worth the effort because I can't run it on Windows 8. Why develop something that’s not even backwards compatible on my newest box.

I hate waiting. The Win 8 box is updating and my pizza is in the oven. I don't want to take my pills until after I've eaten and I can't program. Not that this is last place to go but, I guess I'll write for a little bit. Not that I know what to say.

At Jeanne's today we talked about how Little likes to program. Little can't program, Little's not smart enough but, Little likes programming. When I finally get past the mental blocks, I have my own internal cheering squad. I know, most people have this but, it doesn't seem as if it happen as often with me. Maybe it's part of that low self-esteem thing people are always telling me about. Little and I do stuff together fairly often. Sometimes, a lot of times, I'm not really sure we're all here but usually Little is here to some extent. Even having sex. I don't need to have Little out in the open but, Little is there. I'm not sure if this is right but I believe Little is more than my emotions. I think that my creativity is also tied in with Little and, thus my emotions. Whether this is a Little/Big thing, a unique to me thing or, a normal-healthy people thing I have no idea.

I'm getting tired of talking about Little without gender. To me Little is, and always has been, a girl, hence one of the reasons I think I should have been born a woman. Granted when kids are still three years old it can sometimes be difficult to tell their age, especially from just a voice. However, at least to my own, granted bias, ears Little sounds like a girl. So I'll do the best I can to keep things straight but... Little is female so from now on I'm going to talk about Little as female. Besides I spell my name Bobbie which is the feminine spelling. Unless I'm some place where I'll take a lot of shit for it.

Back to the self-esteem thing. I think my self-esteem is fine but, how can you have good self-esteem without a good emotional connection. Rather than saying "I have low self-esteem." I think of it as "I'm highly insecure," at least when I'm Little.

When I was about twenty-six or twenty-seven my sister Jennie, George her husband, Marian and I went up to Cape Cod. We stopped to see my father, he asked me “don't you have any self-respect.” Because I popped my zits. Well zits can be uncomfortable and, are just a general pain. So I popped them and they went away. Most of the time it wasn't a big deal you couldn't even tell I had done it after five minutes or so, after the red puffed up skin get back to normal. This though wasn't a matter of self-esteem, self-respect, or anything of the kind. It was that I made myself feel better and didn't give a damn what other people thought.

Self-esteem according to WordWeb Dictionary is "A feeling of pride in yourself." While I don't think it's a big deal when I fix computer problems I know It's special to others that I can. By special I mean it's not something everyone can do. I have talent and value to others. This makes me happy. Am I happy within myself? This I can't answer. Hell I'm more worried, afraid being narcissistic than I am of having low self-esteem. Today I told Jeanne I was lazy if you use the right definition. “A lazy person does it right the first time, or they don't do it at all.” (The first part is Robert A. Heinlein the last is mine.) Well I'm not entirely lazy because I keep trying to program and, I don't really know what I'm doing. So I can't do it right the first time but I keep trying anyway. I like challenges, I like to try things. A indication of self-esteem? Just the fact that I'm still here means I think my life's worth trying. That and I know at least two people wouldn't know what to do if I died, it's quite a self worth builder. While, the fact that I do care about others first could, and often is considered to be co-dependent and a sign of low self-esteem. It is also selfless and, as long as one is not willing to have their lives run by or, be hurt by others being selflessness can also virtuous.

2014-01-05 Sun.

Alright it's official I'm once again into Visual Basic programming. For the time being I'm going to try and, keep to to reasonable limit. So hopefully I won't burn out to quickly. Though yesterday I did go a little overboard, however. I spent a lot of time on-line looking up resources and such. Of course since I was on-line I also got lost for extended periods of time on all kinds of tangents. The searching and investigating resources continued today. I did notice that even though I spent 90% of the day at the computer, nothing new there, I only spent half of it really dealing with programming. Not bad considering my how I have always done it in the past.

Yesterday Social Security deposited $314.70 into my bank account. So after paying Pat back for the $150.00 I took for MyCloud and buying a lifetime membership to a how to program site, some of my research, I still have over $1,000.00 in the bank.

Well it's tomorrow by twenty-three minutes so, nighty night. *¿* that works as well thumb typing as it does on a real keyboard.

2014-01-06 Mon.

Pat went too the hospital today. When I left all they had found was a UTI. Her breathing sounded a little wet, like she had something she wanted spit up, rather than labored. She probably has a bad cold or something. I doubt it's the flu or pneumonia, though they say she pasted out while sitting at the table where she lives.

2014-01-07 Tue.

I don't really have much to say this morning. Though I'm really surprised at the temperature outside. Below 10° is cold even by my standards, though you might not know it to see me outside. I'll even wear a scarf today. The past day or so I've been a little under the weather, a runny nose but, I getting better now.

My Take Meds program has gotten bigger and been renamed to what it was before TM_Notes. I've included a picture showing what it looks like with the calendar showing. Basically the big difference from the Small Basic version is you can type directly to the text area.
 

Other features include:

• It opens with the text area locked. Mainly because I like it this way and, it's also the only way I've figured out how to tell if you have edited the text.
• It opens and saves to the same text file TM_Notes.txt. If the file doesn't exist it will be created.
The calendar other then than being a nice reference can also enter a date or, a
• range of dates, in your computers short date format, i.e. 2014-01-07, on my computer.
• If you click close after activating the text area you get a pop-up message box asking if you want to save any changes. If you click No everything closes, if you click Yes the message box closes and the program waits for you to click Save then Close.

Eventually I'll make it so you can change the Take Drug and vitamins to what ever you want it to say. Oh, the menu doesn't work yet but that's only because I haven't gotten there yet. The main reason for the menu is so you can tell the calendar whether you want to enter a single date or a range of dates. The other three menu options will effectively be buttons. The main reason for a menu is I think it looks nicer/cleaner than the buttons.

Back to therapy stuff. Except I don't want to do therapy stuff right now. There seems to be something there but when I look for it I start to get anxious. Either it's something that doesn't want to come out right now or, I'm pushing to hard and it's nothing at all.

Let's get back to the self-esteem thing. I was editing last Fridays stuff for grammar and spelling. I did in fact add the following but, decided not to leave it where it was because that would've changed the content.

By the way, this is not to say I think I have anywhere near the best self-esteem. My self-esteem is probably a little low of average but still normal.

Part of what is bothering me I think, is maybe I don't really understand what self-esteem means. Maybe I do have low self-esteem. However, from what I've read I think my take on it is right. I think the only reason it bothers me so much is I don't “feel” it's right to say I have low self-esteem. I've gone through this with other diagnosis's, like bi-polar boy that one really got me. I know low self-esteem isn't a diagnosis but, it's kind of in the same family.

Time to get ready so, So long 'til next time folks.