Tuesday when I got home from Jeanne's I
was so wound up that I couldn't write and, yesterday I was so
enjoying not having to go anywhere that I, pretty much, spent the day
reading. Now we've gotten to today.
Fairly early this morning Jenny (Pat's
therapist) called in sick. I waited until about 10:30 to call Pat
and find out what she wanted to do with the extra time. So I got out
to Potomac at about 13:10 and we took a ride out to Whites Ferry,
which is pretty much due north of Leesburg, VA and, we got back to
Silver Diner in Rockville MD at about 15:15. We started dinner about
30 minutes early. During the trip I entertained her with trivia that
Jeanie had sent me in an e-mail.
I was waiting for the big computer to
get done with something. It's now 00:11 tomorrow so nighty night.
2013-11-22 Fri.
I don't know what happened on Tuesday.
When I left Jeanne's I was feeling very little but, OK. I had my
cigarette on the way out and drove home. When I got home I was too
wound up to write and, so I read. It's possible that I was either
feeling really good (since good and be confusing) or, just in the
emotions not really knowing what they were.
I'm sitting in the waiting room at
Jeanne's right now, so I guess we'll talk about it today. So much
for a just visiting Friday today.
On a lighter note. I will be getting
my December cigarettes today. So even if therapy goes hard I know
there will be at least one bright spot on the horizon.
It`s 15:47 and my cigarettes aren't
here yet.
I've just spent the last five hours and
45 minutes playing with TextMaker (this word processor). I found out
a few nice things but, not what I was looking for. However, I did
find a really nice screen keyboard. It looks like a regular keyboard
and I can sort of type on it. If I had to I could work with it. But
it does one annoying feature, that I just found out how to fix, the
default setting is to have a pop-up notice every time you touch a
key, geck. It's a bit touchy but it does work, I've typed about half
of this paragraph with it, but, I wouldn't want to make a habit of
it. Now I'm back to the external keyboard and I don't have to worry
so much about double letters.
I've been trying to think about what Jeanne
and I talked about today and how I feel about it but, it's just not
coming. Kind of I feel like I did the first time I read Dr. Reynolds
psychiatric report saying I have an avoidant personality disorder.
It wasn't heart stopping but it took me a moment to adjust. It
wasn't a surprise it was the words used. Jeanne was talking about
one of the talks at her Jungian conference. There's nothing like
hearing how screwed up you are, even if you already know it. I make
light of Dr. Ruttenburg's comment "when it comes to dysfunctional
families mine fell off the bottom of the chart" but, I do really know
what she meant by it. We're really screwed up, but what can I do
about it other than what I'm doing already? Nothing.
Part of why it's so hard for me is
because I have to see things. Not Picture SEE, brain see. I think
that's why I use analogies so much, I'm trying to make my concepts
3D. Other people can never Know what goes on inside of you.
So I try to use words to draw pictures so that others can maybe
understand what I'm trying to talk about. I use analogies because
I'm not as fluent as most people most of the time. Though some times
when I talk without thinking I can say the most wonderfully eloquent
precise things.
People may think that when I'm
chattering it's just mindless babble but, that's not true. When I
chatter I'm in a kind of dissociative state. An almost purely
cognitive state, with Little barely there, just enough to enjoy the
stories.
Another thing Jeanne said that
interested me was that she's learned to give Little words sometimes.
I've never really noticed this, though I'm sure I comment on it at
the time but, in retrospect it feels right I can feel it not remember
it. This is a Little thing.
I am Little. Little is a part of me,
basically my emotions, that got kind of split off from the rest of me
when I was about three. I call this part of myself little because
that's what I feel like when Little's in charge, when my emotions are
running the show so to speak. Some times Little comes pretty close
to running all of me. However, Little needs the cognitive part, the
rest of me, to do anything beyond a three year old's ability. The
cognitive part though can function without little. When this happens
things can get a bit strange and, the change can happen in a snap.
One time I was in group therapy and I can sort of remember but, not
feel, the experience, of having a very emotion back and forth with a
woman but, less than a minute later it was like it never happened. I
know what we talked about but I can't remember what I was feeling.
Another time, in expressive therapy they told me that at the
beginning of the group I angry, they eventually got to 'it sure
seemed like it', but, I couldn't remember being angry.
Some
times I talk about the unemotional times as putting on a "shell".
I appear to be perfectly normal but, afterwards I don't remember any
emotions and, I'm tired like having worked an eight hour shift in two
hours. But, I used to do it for days at a time and, my days run
eighteen to twenty hours awake. Jeanne described it as my emotional
is crammed into this little box. Being happy can hurt as much as
being sad because it's all to intense.
I
got my cigarettes at about 17:30, so I got my bright spot.
It's
19:30 so I've been at this for three and three-quarter hours. Time
for supper and maybe a story or two.
2013-11-23 Sat.
This is the one ASCII emoticon I like
*¿* starry eyed. I just found out how to do things like the
upside-down question with my new on screen keyboard. There are a lot
of symbols it can make but, not in this program or maybe not even on
my device. Oh I've also found out that this thing doesn't like me
using the Hacker's Keyboard and my bluetooth keyboard at the same
time but, I can get away with it for awhile.
On
Friday another thing that Jeanne mentioned is that some my more
animal instincts come out. In the past I have often referred t
myself as a little creator. Her comment came up because If someone
gets in my face, I will get right back in theirs. So sometimes I
guess I can be a Big creator too *¿*. The idea of being a little
creator fits me inside, I don't think of myself as being big. I know
I'm big, I'm strong but, I sometimes forget. I often get moans when
I give people hugs.
2013-11-25
Mon.
It's
another four day week. Today I take Pat to see Jenny, tomorrow I see
Jeanne, Wednesday I see Jeanne and on Friday or Saturday I see Pat
because we're seeing Jenny Today. However on Friday Pat and I will
just be going out to dinner.
I
finally figured out how to make my favorite calendar program usable.
When you first download and open it the event font is so small it's
unreadable, on a desktop or laptop it would look like 6pt. or
smaller.
I'm
getting tired of these four day weeks, just to read that it sounds
ludicrous, but, for me it makes sense. The timing of this is
amazing. I called Don to find out if we could get together because I
have a deal with Così. So we're going to meet on Tuesday morning.
Anyway While we were talking he said something about me being able to
take care of myself, so I read the first sentence of this paragraph
to him. Of course there's the irony of the fact that here I am
Moaning about being too busy and I making a date to see Don.
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